Friday, October 29, 2010

Sexy Smiles, the Lai's and Free Videotape

When I was growing up, our family would always rent movies from the local Hollywood Video.  When I became a teenager, there was a boy who started work there and he would sometimes give me the movies for free.  Mama Lai and Papa Lai decided that I should always be sent to rent movies in hopes that I could get them for free.  As they sent me out the door, Mama Lai would give me some advice:
“It doesn’t hurt to smile.”  

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Mama Lai and the Marriage Eligibility of Weirdos

I’m the black sheep in the family when it comes to movies.  Mama Lai had some advice for me when it came to making my taste in movies and other things public:
“You know…I would just think maybe before you tell people what you like.  And sometimes you should think that maybe you like something just because other people don’t like it.  You don’t always have to be different.  Sometimes it’s ok to like what other people like.”
And she paused almost as if to rethink her position on this and lowered her voice:
“Nobody wants to marry a weirdo.”

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

No Sympathy from Mama Lai

An unexpected fire drill required my sister to walk down 32 flights of stairs in her 1.5 inch heels.  The result was sore knees and blistered feet.  Mama Lai’s reaction?
“That’s life.  Girl want to be pretty so that’s what you do.”

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Mama Lai and Her First Amendment Rights

Sometimes what Mama Lai says will hurt her ducklings’ feelings.  Once, I made a plea to her to maybe be a little more sensitive: 
“You guys so sensitive. I just say what I think, what’s on my mind.  I’m honest.  Maybe there’s a communication problem – you girls misunderstand what I say.  You young people are always complaining about not having enough rights.  Rights for this and that.  I have right to speak. I am in America, I do not censor myself.”

Monday, October 25, 2010

Mama Lai and the Shanghai Matchmaker

I was never sure whether Mama Lai got bored of trolling chatrooms or if she was unsatisfied with the results, but when I reached my 20s Mama Lai sought out reinforcements in meddling with my dating life.  Mama Lai turned to several people for help.  I call her “The Shanghai Matchmaker”. 

This “Shanghai Matchmaker” was a member of Mama Lai’s church who moved to Shanghai in the early 2000s and seemed to be very well connected there.  I protested, unsuccessfully.  “She lives in China, I live in the U.S.”
“Well obviously, you’re not having any luck here.  Don’t be so limited, think global.”
The Shanghai Matchmaker lived up to her name and Mama Lai was delighted the match was “Chinese, tall, a lawyer”.  There were just two “conditions”:
“He doesn’t speak English.  But you’re trying to improve your Chinese right?  And, he can’t get a visa to come to the U.S.  But you were thinking of visiting China anyway?  You like it there.  You can visit him and get to know him.”
Of course this should not be a problem for me.  After all, my first date ever was devised by Mama Lai and occurred in Toronto, Canada.  A few weeks later, all hopes were dashed:
“Auntie (The Shanghai Matchmaker) called and the boy’s family is Communist.  And we are not Communist family so not such a good idea.”

Friday, October 22, 2010

Mama Lai Says Botox is for White People

Mama Lai commented on how I must see a lot of people who get botox in Southern California. Mama Lai mused: 
"I think people do botox for first couple of times will look good. But later on their face puffy and look like a face from wax museum! And if they stop doing botox, they will look much worse than before. One thing good for we Asians is our skin is much tighter than Whites. We don’t need it."

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Papa Lai on the Marriage Prospects of the Blogger of "The Amai Life"

I sent Papa Lai a link to my friend’s blog “The Amai Life”.
"Your friend makes some yummy looking stuff. The guy that marries her will be one lucky dude.  When u come home for Christmas why don't you try your hand at some of her baking ? It should be fun and tasty.
Papa Lai

Mama Lai Thinks We Should Eat At Least 3 Meals a Day

Once upon a time, my sister told Mama Lai she was dating a guy who only ate two meals a day.  Mama Lai laughed and said:
"I've met people who only 2 meals a day and I laugh at all of them! Do you know who else only eats 2 meals a day?  Dogs."
A special thanks to the parties involved for giving me permission to publish this. 

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

And the Same Picture is Worth Ten Thousand Words from Mama Lai

And then Mama Lai piped in on the same photo I sent to Papa Lai :
“Why do you produce so much oil?  Those other girls look normal and you look so…shiny.  You should carry…what is it called?  Powder.  Powder will absorb oil.  Why are you so dark?  You look so dark compared to those girls.  Need to remember to wear sunblock.  But mommy thinks you look like you’ve been working hard.  Your face is no longer a block and has some shape.  Keep up the good work!  Don’t stop!”

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words from Papa Lai

When I was home one holiday I was showing Mama Lai photos, when Papa Lai came around wanting to know what all the fuss was about.  Peering at the computer screen he asked
“Who is THAT?”
“Um, me dad.  Your first born.”
Perhaps upset or just plain grumpy, Papa Lai scratched the top of his head with his thumb and grunted,
“Doesn’t look like you.” 
Then promptly left the room. 

This past weekend I sent Papa Lai a photo that was taken of me along with some of my friends.
 “This photo doesn’t say anything.  What is it?”
Bracing myself for maybe another senior citizen moment, I replied “It’s a picture of me and friends.”
 “Oh.  Who are you friends?  I don’t recognize them.  I recognize you though!”
He recognized me.  ☺  And to make my day even brighter he said,
“And still beautiful.”

Mama Lai and Dancing

When my sister started college Mama Lai made this suggestion:
"I think you should be an exotic dancer."
"Umm...what do you think an exotic dancer does Mom?" asked my sister.
"Exotic dancers...dance exotically.  You know like...Polynesian dancing.  When we went to Hawaii those girls who dance you know?"
Then my sister and I pointed out what exotic dancing really means and Mama Lai said:
"You girls have dirty minds.  I don't think that way.  My mind is pure...like a dove."

Monday, October 18, 2010

Mama Lai on Mr. Right

Mama Lai wanted an update on my dating life or lack thereof.  She wanted to give me a pep talk:
"I just want you to find someone you that matches what you lack.  Hopefully you will like that person and maybe he will like you back." 
Maybe like me back?!
"Oh you young people.  Like and love not as important as matching.  It's important that he has the confidence to be what you need. Or you will have a hard life.  I care more that you like him."

Friday, October 15, 2010

Mama Lai on the Necessity of Men

It was always my theory that Mama Lai was a feminist or an Amazon woman in another life.  


Mama Lai read the "Ask Marilyn" column in the Parade that was published in the Sunday newspaper 10/10/10 where a reader asked how the population of the world would be different if there were no wars.  And where historically men fought in wars, "Ask Marilyn" indicated that the population wouldn't really be different because population grown was based on the fertility of women and not men.

"Didn't I tell you?  Men are useless.  Not even important element in reproduction.  Why we need men?"

And she reminded me that human society should be more like bees:

"Male bees make baby bees and then die.  All the worker bees are female.  Men eat much more than women and do just as much work.  So inefficient.  They are inferior species."


Thursday, October 14, 2010

Mama Lai's Mailbag - On Spousal Assets and Liabilities

Mama Lai gets her first mail!  Mama Lai likes to call me and comment on what she's reading while she's reading it.  I broke up the e-mail and inserted Mama Lai's comments (in red).  Note:  E-mails taken out and names changed to protect the privacy of those submitting!
Dear Sons,

Last night, we went to a seminar Your Stock Success Workshop presented by Rich Dad Education

try to sell 3 days training courses for trading stock options no matter stock go up, down or side way you can make money. trace the big mutual funds selling or buying certain stocks (take them months to sell or buy chuck by chuck) $199 for 3 days training for 2 people (many people signed up but not us) I will discuss with Winston for financial institutes' trade.

the speaker as usual is very good talker, He mentioned we could not get financial concepts from school. and I agree it is very important.  If you don't take care of money, money won't care about you neither.

He put up the slide shows what are assets or liabilities cars are liabilities
rental properties (positive cash flow) are Assets then SPOUSE flash on the screen He asked Spouse is Asset or Liability? The audience are quiet no body dare to answer. Speaker said "what's wrong with you?  I always feel my wife is one of my biggest assets.  If your spouses are liabilities, what should you do? get rid of it, DIVORCE!
"hahahaha.  that is so funny.  I think half the room would say spouse is liability.  at this moment your daddy is asset.  but spouse is like stocks and has its own phases.  sometimes asset and sometimes liability.  sometimes part asset, part liability.  sometimes start off liability and must be patient for it to be asset"
The audience smile with little bitter.
I always hope my sons are big assets for their spouses and can appreciate their spouses are their biggest assets too.

Enjoy life.
Take care of financial matters.
Love
mom
 "I wonder what class she takes.  I want to take class.  I will read again and decide if this is interesting class."


 

Mama Lai and the Child Protective Services Agency

My mother likes to tell me this story every once in awhile.  She says of her three children I’ve tortured her the most and that I not only owe her my life, but two lives just to make it fair for my two siblings. 

When I was two years old Papa Lai was the breadwinner in the family and Mama Lai was taking a class at the local community college.  For about 10 hours/week I was left in private daycare associated with the school.  One day, Mama Lai had a visitor and she  never gets visitors being new in town and was very surprised.  She was lonely back then. The students at the community college were young and the culture was so different and was so glad to have an adult conversation that she hadn’t really heard why or where this woman was from. 


It turns out the woman was from child services and advised Mama Lai that she was there to investigate a claim by the daycare that I was being abused because of some green, black and blue markings on my butt.  And Mama Lai, taking this very seriously, laughed at her:

“In this small apartment is my husband, me and this baby.  If there’s anyone who’s getting abused is me.’ ”

After doing some research, the woman and the agency realized that the markings were common amongst East Asian babies.   The school’s day care sent her an apology. 

“I did that town community service.  And this is how you tortured me.  You even sent child services to me.  You abused?  Ha.  You abuse me!”

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Mama Lai on Oprah and the Thirty Year Old Virgins

My mom is one of Oprah’s may devoted viewers.  She called me one day very exasperated about a recent show, very appalled that there were two women around the age of thirty who were guests because they were virgins. 
“They even brought on a sex therapist.  What is wrong with this country that you can be guest on Oprah because you don’t have sex.  Gee, so stupid.  They virgins because there is no one to have sex with.  They don't need doctor."

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Mama Lai Said it - Dessert is better than Your Veggies

Mama Lai is always "encouraging" me to lose weight and diet.  She's always trying to find different ways to motivate me:
"You need to be delicious."
"Pardon?"
"Boys like girls to be delicious.  You look like vegetable.  You need to be dessert.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Before Inviting One of Mama Lai's Ducklings on Vacation...

My sister (aka Duckie) was once invited by a friend to join a group trip to Thailand. Mama Lai was disapproving, feeling that Thailand was dangerous and she didn't know enough about my sister's friends.  Right before the trip happened, she asked for my sister’s friend’s emergency contact information.  Hoping that would let Mama Lai’s mind rest easy, my sister sent the information over.  After receiving the information she called my sister and said
"If you don’t come back in 10 days I will hunt down your friend’s best friend, your friend’s family and kill them.  And then I will find his relatives and kill each of them too."

My sister got a cell phone in Thailand when she landed and made sure to call Mama Lai every single day that she was there. 

Friday, October 8, 2010

Papa Lai on Mama Lai's New Blog

 Papa Lai isn't going to let Mama Lai have all the credit...

Very interesting. I look forward to all the posts and questions. Of course a lot of Mama Lai's wisdom comes also from moi !  haha.

- Papa Lai

Online Matchmaker

My first date was such a success in Mama Lai's eyes that suddenly surfing AOL chatrooms became a pastime.  If you were a twentysomething or thirtysomething Chinese man cruising AOL chatrooms, my mom was happy to be your friend, send you a family picture and point out her eldest and say:
"My single eighteen year old daughter.  Just started college.  Would you like to chat with her?"
And in my tumultuous first year of college, there was the guy in Boston who didn't get along with his sister, the guy in Atlanta who was a PhD in engineering, the law student at USC, and the Stanford grad students who liked to go swing dancing…

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Mama Lai and My First Date

Throughout high school I never dated and it was disappointing to Mama Lai that there wasn't a line of suitors knocking on her daughter's door.  This is the length my mother will go to get her daughter her first date.  
 
When I was seventeen I started e-mail and instant message correspondence with someone in Canada that I met in an AOL chatroom.   He became such an integral part of my life that I talked about him like I would talk about classmates in high school. 

I grew up in California and had never been out of the country.  For my high school graduation/18th birthday present Mama Lai engineered a Chinese tour of the East Coast that happened to include a stop in Canada.  Without me knowing Mama Lai and my family had corresponded with the Canadian for him to take me out on a date.  Mama Lai even secretly packed me make up, perfume, and a separate outfit for the “date”. 

Canadian AOL guy showed up in a sports car with roses and took me on the most elaborate date I've ever been on in my life. Mama Lai met him for all of five minutes before he whisked me away, in a foreign country, with no cellphones, no itinerary.  Later on when I asked her how she could let her daughter go away with a stranger, she responded:
"I'm good judge of character.  He wouldn't dare do anything to my daughter."