Thursday, April 28, 2011

Welcome Home

A three day weekend was coming up and I felt homesick so I called Mama Lai to see if I could fly home for  a quick visit.  Mama Lai thought it was a great idea if I could get the extra day off.  Then Mama Lai added:
"You would be even more welcome home if you came back skinny."

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Hide and Go Seek

In anticipation of my visit home, Mama Lai wanted to know the specific time and date of my arrival.  I asked her what the deal was and Mama Lai said:
"I'm just looking to see what food I have to clear out of the refrigerator before you get home. And I have to hide the good stuff so you don't get to it."

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Chinese Online Dating

When I lived in China, Mama Lai made a call to me long distance and started in on a laundry list of questions.  The examples include:
"1.  You prefer living in the city?, 2.  Do you like to karaoke?, 3.  Do you prefer Chinese or Western food?"
Finding it strange that Mama Lai was making a long-distance call to ask such mundane questions, I asked her what was up.
"Oh on Chinese television they did a feature on this dating website.  So I'm just checking it out and making a profile for you." 

Monday, April 25, 2011

Archie Kao

Mama Lai is a big fan of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and an especially big fan of the actor, Archie Kao (who plays a character named Archie Johnson in the series).  I made the mistake of mentioning to Mama Lai that my boss was friends with Archie and when my birthday rolled around Mama Lai said that I should "request Archie Kao" for my birthday and get a photo taken with him.  When I refused to make the ask, Mama Lai huffed:
"Your birthday should be my celebration too.  You had it easy when you were born -- I did all the work!  You have been in LA for years and you have not taken photos with any famous people.  Archie is very handsome and I would like to see you in a photo with him."

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Phone Protocol

I called Mama Lai with some information she had been waiting for, but I caught her at a bad time and she told me she would call me back in an hour.  An hour turned into half a day then I finally called Mama Lai again.  Mama Lai took me to task for not calling her again until the end of today.  And when I pointed out that she was the one who owed me a phone call, Mama Lai said:
"And you didn't think that maybe when I didn't call you back in an hour that maybe something happened to me?  You waited hours!  I could've been lying on the road somewhere."
I pointed out that she seemed to be fine and Mama Lai confessed that the reason she doesn't call her three ducklings:
"Suppose you don't pick up your phone or were too busy to talk to me?  I don't like rejection."
 
 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Meeting the Roommate

Mama Lai and Papa Lai came down to visit me and had an opportunity to meet my roommate.  My roommate was born in Beijing, but raised in the U.S.

When they arrived, my roommate greeted Mama Lai and Papa Lai enthusiastically in Chinese with  “您好!” and proceeded to carry on a conversation with them in Chinese.  But Papa Lai's English is better than his Chinese and when his responses in English did nothing to dissuade her from using Chinese, Papa Lai said:
"You know we speak and understand English.  You don't have to speak to us in Chinese."
Mama Lai interjected:
"Oh [Papa Lai] she is trying to make a good impression by showing off her language skills.  Probably practicing all week!"
And then turning to my roommate she said:
"And we are very impressed.  Good job.  You are so Beijing." 
 

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Mama Lai in Love

Mama Lai believes I have a problem expressing myself to boys and was trying to give me tips.  Papa Lai interrupted:
 "It was so obvious that your mother had a crush on me."
Mama Lai denied it.  I asked Papa Lai what the tell-tale sign was and he said:
"I was one of the few men in our graduate college circle who had a car so I would pick up the girls.  And your mom would always want to sit up front next to me."
Mama Lai sighed:
"I was such a bimbo." 

Monday, April 18, 2011

Fattie

Mama Lai came to visit me post-graduate school and was relieved to see that I had shed quite a few pounds.  Mama Lai was quite emotional about it:
"When you came home from school you came home a fattie.  And when I saw you I thought 'who is this girl, what did you do with my beautiful daughter'?  It was as if you had eaten yourself."

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Our Husband Strategy

Mama Lai and I were in the kitchen preparing food when she suddenly declared:
"We need a change in strategy!"
Bewildered, I cautiously asked her what she was referring to.  Mama Lai said:
"Obviously the approach we've taken is not working for you.  We have to do something different so you can attract these men.  When you come home to visit we'll work on a plan together." 

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Papa Lai is Fashion Police

Mama and Papa Lai came to visit me.  During dinner the two started a discussion on why I was not married.  Mama Lai insisted it was because I was too heavy.  Papa Lai disagreed and claimed I looked fine just the way I was and just when I was about to give him a hug for defending my honor he added:
"Her problem is not her weight.  It's how she dresses.  She wears clothes like a middle aged woman who works at Wal-Mart."
Papa Lai motioned for me to stand in front of him.  He stroked his chin and looked me over:
"I recommend that when you make a little more money that you hire a fashion consultant." 

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

matchsocks.com

For some reason, I'm really good at losing socks when I do laundry and I have a bag filled with socks with an un-located partner.  Mama Lai was sitting on the floor of my bedroom sorting these socks and said:
"When I look at these socks it makes me think that they are just like my daughter.  A perfectly good sock, that still has its shape and still has some quality, but still single.  You need match.com and these socks need matchsocks.com."

Monday, April 11, 2011

Girlfriend Competition

Papa Lai finally convinced Mama Lai to get a GPS and it's his new favorite toy.  Papa Lai carries it around and likes to play with it even when he's in the house.  As we heard the female GPS voice float through the house, Mama Lai rolled her eyes:
"It's his new girlfriend.  Always carrying it around and obsessed with keeping it charged.  Sick of hearing it talk.  How do I compete?"
I comforted her "He'll get tired of her.  GPS girlfriend has nothing on you!"  Mama Lai shook her head and sighed:
"Her English is better than mine."

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Red Lipstick Hussy

Mama Lai came across a photo of me sporting red lipstick and Mama Lai clearly disapproved:
"Do you now own red lipstick?  I see from your pictures you are wearing red lipstick.  And I'm not saying you look bad, but when you wear less flashy colors and have make up on you look like you can be an ambassador's wife, but with the red, you don't look like the marrying kind."

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Silverware Snob

I once took Mama Lai to eat at BCD Tofu House, a Korean soon tofu restaurant.  BCD Tofu House serves their rice in metal bowls and provides patrons with metal chopsticks.  Mama Lai admonishes me:
"Why did you take me a restaurant where they can't afford real silverware and chopsticks?  This is what people use to eat when they are in poverty.  This is a restaurant where I pay to eat!"

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Papa Lai and Gangsters


Papa Lai had sent me an e-mail about the UCLA girl criticizing Asians so I sent him this video thinking he'd be entertained.  Papa Lai watched it and sent me this reply:
"He's too gangster for me."

Monday, April 4, 2011

No ID Necessary

Mama Lai called Duckie (my younger sister) as she was dashing back to her apartment to grab her ID before a night out with friends.  Confused Mama Lai asked:
"Why you need ID?  Are you going to do something....X-rated?"