Thursday, June 30, 2011

A Corrected Version for Why We Diet

From time to time, Mama Lai will check what I post on the blog to make sure I'm not misquoting her or jeopardizing my chances for marriage.  Mama Lai thinks sometimes I give the wrong impression or misunderstand her drive to get me to lose weight:
"You think your journey for weight loss ends when you get married?  No such thing!  This is a lifetime thing, a lifestyle thing.  Yes, you have to look good to find someone good, but you want to be healthy for the rest of your life!  There is no letting yourself go when you get married!  Besides, that is dishonest."

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Outside Furniture Inside

Mama Lai and Papa Lai bicker as old married couples do.  One day, on a whim, Papa Lai went and bought a patio chair.  Only, instead of putting it on their patio, Papa Lai decided that it should be the office chair for the family computer.  Papa Lai wanted Mama Lai's opinion, which he almost regretted upon asking:
"That is a patio chair.  It is an outside chair inside my house!  It is a chair meant to be sitting comfortable outside."
Papa Lai countered:
"That is why I bought it!  It is comfortable.  Why can I only be comfortable outside?  I want to be comfortable inside too!"

 

Monday, June 27, 2011

Capacity for Love

After reading in the newspaper that a woman may have microwaved her newborn, Mama Lai said:
"You know you don't know how much you can love someone until you have children. But human beings are maybe not meant to know everything.  There are some things that some people are not meant to experience."

Friday, June 24, 2011

Uncle Says Out of Time

One of my uncles from Mama Lai's side of the family accompanied me to the airport and spent our 2 hour long car ride puzzling over why my generation seemed to reluctant to get married (his son, my cousin, who is my age has yet to propose to his girlfriend prolonging my uncle's fervent wait to have grandchildren from his only son).  Reminding me of my age, my chatty uncle said:
"You know if you wait until your 40 years old to get married, you might as well not marry.  There's no point.  You might as well just enjoy the rest of your life because any of the benefits of marriage will no longer exist.  YOU ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME."

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Dieting Visualiziation Technique

Mama Lai challenged me to take a big bite of food and then spit it out. Mama Lai said:
"Memorize what that looks like.  Nowadays, they make food too pretty.  Think about that.  That's how food looks when it gets into your stomach.  Gross yourself out."

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A Pound of Tears

Under the Mama Lai diet regimen I've lost over 15 pounds.  Before I move out, Mama Lai cautioned me:
"For every pound you gain back, I will shed ten big tears.  Think about that before every bite of food you take."

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Thongs

For most of Mama Lai's adult life, she had only worn one kind of underwear, the very conservative and functional sort and always in solid colors.  When her two daughters went away to school, the holiday laundry became filled with all sorts of underwear of all shapes, sizes, cuts and colors and prints.  The thong was what captured Mama Lai's curiosity and thought the design was cleverly economical and would be perfect for a hot summer day.  After various consultations with Duckie about material and where to find, Mama Lai went and bought her very first thong.

When she got home, Mama Lai put it on and got as far as the hallway and yelped:
"What!  What is this!  You can feel it!  No.  No, I don't think so."
And that was the last time Mama Lai ever came near a thong.   And whenever she comes across one in the store or in her children's laundry, she shakes her head in disbelief that women, especially her two daughters, would wear something so uncomfortable.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Taking the Blame

The Little Prince (aka my brother) had to get dressed for an interview, but Mama Lai discovered that all of his slacks at home were too small.  Dismayed and upset, Mama Lai rushed into my room and with her hands on her hips, exclaimed:
"My whole family is too fat!  It's all your fault!  It started from you!!!"

Friday, June 17, 2011

Book of Signals

When I was in my late twenties, Mama Lai was distraught that her eldest daughter did not have a serious boyfriend:
"Are you giving the right signals?  You can be very cold.  Boys need encouragement.  You have to give them hints to encourage them."
I asked Mama Lai what signals she was talking about.  Mama Lai looked at me with exasperation:
"I don't know!  You like to read books.  They make books about everything.  There must be a book about signals and then you should read it." 

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Awkward Teenage Moment

When I was a teenager I was moody and repellent and lived by an unarticulated rule of one-word utterances when absolutely necessary.  I was shy and very religious so I rarely spoke about boys.  Duckie was the opposite and was very chatty about her crushes and the boys she was interested in even though she was a fews younger than me.

The contrast between me and Duckie and my silence on the matter began to bother Mama Lai and one day felt like she should reach out to her sullen teenage daughter.  She picked me up from basketball practice and instead of driving home, drove me to a parking lot of a nearby park.  Mama Lai confronted me and said:
"Are you gay?  How come you don't talk about boys?  You know mommy and daddy would love you no matter what right?"

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

80% Rule

When I'm at home, Mama Lai is a hawk carefully monitoring not only what I consume, but how much I consume.  She has a "ba fen bao" rule (in English it's 80% full).  This is how Mama Lai measures my 80%:

Mama Lai fills my bowl with something healthy, watches me and before I finish she will ask:
 "Are you full?" 
I will shake my head no and as I reach for another helping Mama Lai will take my food away and say:
"Perfect!  That means you're 80% full and it's time to stop eating!"

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The One and Only

When I was getting ready to go meet friends, Mama Lai criticized my choice in wardrobe as "unflattering"and asked me to change.  I got upset and left in a huff.  I later apologized for losing my temper and expressed that what she said made me feel bad.  


Mama Lai kissed me on the forehead, told me she loved me and said:
"What can you do?  I am your only mommy!"

Monday, June 13, 2011

Hot Mama

I recently went shopping with Mama Lai and fell for some sparkly four-inch stilettos and some thigh high stiletto boots.  Mama Lai has a bias against my wearing heels.  But our recent shopping outing may have inspired Mama Lai because she just came home with a pair of platform sandals (with leopard print accent) that adds just about 1-inch to Mama Lai's stature.

And since she's worn flats all her life, Mama Lai marched up and down the kitchen in the her new shoes fearing that they are too tall and awkward.  Duckie encouraged her to "throw some hips into it" as a way to make high-heeled wearing a little more comfortable.

Mama Lai did just that and swung her hips and was delighted with the results.  Mama Lai turned and smiled and declared:
"Look at me!  Are you ready for hot mama?"

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Dating History

Sometimes when Mama Lai can't sleep, she would steal into my bedroom, sit on my bed and ask me for "the juicy gossip happening in [my] life".   One night, I turned the tables and asked her for some juicy secrets from her life, maybe some details about an old boyfriend, pre-Papa Lai.  


Mama Lai sighed:
"My dating life is like yours...nothing much to say."

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Sold!

Mama Lai sometimes can't find things and her razor sharp attention becomes fully devoted on honing in on the item.  Her ducklings will watch Mama Lai whisk through one room after the next in a tornado-like frenzy and one of us will lazily ask "Whatcha looking for?"

And without missing a beat, and without regard to the sought for item, Mama Lai will always say:
"I am looking for a way to sell my children."

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Birthday Cake

I had two birthday cakes - a strawberry shortcake a friend dropped off and a tiramisu cake Mama Lai bought for me.  Under Mama Lai's watchful eye, I was allowed to have one slice of each cake, one on my birthday, the second slice the day after.

Not even a week later, I noticed that most of the cake was gone!  The culprit?  Mama Lai, of course:
"Yes, the yummies are in my tummy.  They are both very good.  Now you know who really gets to celebrate your birthday!"

Monday, June 6, 2011

Day of Birth

On my birthday, Mama Lai likes to call and text message me starting the night before to tell me where she was at in labor and remind me of the pain I put her through.  Just as we were reaching the hour I was born, I asked Mama Lai and Papa Lai what their first thoughts were when I finally popped out.  Papa Lai said:
"That I could finally eat.  I was starving."

Friday, June 3, 2011

Find My Daughter a Husband Challenge

Someone told Mama Lai that I had a lot of friends of Facebook.  Mama Lai mocked me:
"Oh you have sooooo many friends.  How come none of them find you a husband??  They aren't really your friends!"
I sighed and maybe mumbled something about my friends don't have to do things for me.  Mama Lai sat down next to me and said:
"How about this?  You tell your friends to find you a husband and if they are successful, I will go to wherever they are, ring their doorbell and thank them in person."

 

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Joy of Weight-loss

After some stern scolding from my doctor, I finally decided to buckle down and adapt to a healthier lifestyle that incorporates fitness and a disciplined diet.  I've managed to lose 12 pounds and Mama Lai was overjoyed.  She took my hand in hers and Mama Lai said:
"You know every night I would think of you and your weight.  And it would make me so miserable that sometimes I could not sleep.  I am so proud of you!  Don't stop until you weigh what you weighed in high school.  And then don't gain it back, not even after you get married."

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Frozen Desserts

When I was growing up, whenever there was a special occasion or Mama Lai felt celebratory, Mama Lai would go to the frozen desserts section from the grocery store and buy a Vienetta cake.  Then one day, tiramisu became en vogue and they stopped selling Vienetta (except at KFC) and Mama Lai fell in love with the frozen tiramisu cakes at Costco.  And all the fancy cafes and bakeries with freshly made tiramisu could not persuade her that Costco did not have the most delicious tiramisu.  But one day, Costco stopped carrying their frozen tiramisu and Mama Lai stopped eating tiramisu.

It was my birthday recently and Mama Lai thought she would treat herself to a tiramisu cake (in our family, the kids don't just celebrate, the hard working parents that brought us into this world and raised us also get to celebrate).  Mama Lai took a bite of the pretty and fresh tiramisu and said:
"Do you think if we froze this cake that it would taste as good as one that they used to have in Costco?"