Baby Switch

During my single digit years, I had this fantasy that I was adopted by my parents because I was part of a international secret organization's witness protection program guarding me from my underground mobster father and his ninja enemies.  As I entered into adulthood I asked Mama Lai if there was any chance I wasn't hers and Mama Lai said:

"Certainly.  When you were born there were so many other Asian families at the hospital having babies.  It was Asian baby season.  And you know...all babies kind of look the same and you have to give credit to the nurses for keeping track.  Hahahaha...maybe you aren't mine, but you're an adult now, it's kind of too late isn't it?" 

And as she marinated on this idea that her children might not be her own, she confirmed that my sister Duckie was certainly a 'Lai':

"There was only one other mother in the hospital having a baby when your sister was born.  And she was white and she had a son she named 'Rocky'".

The Story of My Birth

When Mama Lai discusses her ducklings with other Chinese parents, she becomes engaged in an intense competition with other parents over whose children were the greatest disappointments, the winner being the parent who had to sacrifice the most so their children could grow up to be normal, functioning adults.    

Mama Lai is quite skilled in this type of social and cultural combat and her victory is really a demonstration of her love and devotion to her children.  As the oldest of the brood and the first to enter adulthood, I'm quite accustomed to being collateral damage to this odd custom.

Mama Lai loves to start with the story of my birth, the grand beginning to an epic story of failure and misfortune:

"You were the worst of my 3 children.  I had to wait 10 days for you.  And then when the pain started, your father was on the graveyard shift and wanted to take a shower before he would take me to the hospital.  And then I waited all day for you and the pain was unbearable. My eyeballs were rolling into the back of my head.  I tell you it is a pain that you have never felt in your life.  And then they give you a pain drug which causes your head to feel like it's going to explode.  And then they tell me that you're not in the right position to come out...."

And at some point she gets to a part where she fainted and how I wouldn't stop crying when I was finally brought into the world, how weeks after she felt sick, and how for months she barely knew what sunshine looked like trapped in a zombie-like sleeplessness.  And then she will always end with a scathing review of natural birth:

"Stupid American propaganda about the benefits of natural childbirth.  It was so trendy to do your birth like the old days because it was less trauma for the baby.  How about my trauma?  My body was never the same and they have you do those stupid exercises -- 'elevator up, elevator down' as if that really helps." 

[Note: please look up Kegel if you're confused about the exercises.]

And after she horrifies her captive audience on how my natural birth compromised her body, she will turn to me and sweetly say:

"See, this is how much a mother loves her child.  We go through that pain and we still torture ourselves for you.  We human beings are so weird. I can't wait for you to see what that feels like. "

Not Cute Anymore

Last weekend Mama Lai was waxing nostalgic and going through some old photos from when I was just baby.  

"You were so cute back then."

Then I joked, "What happened, huh?"

Mama Lai replied:

"You learned to talk."

The Pricetag for One of Mama Lai's Ducklings

Duckie (aka my sister) sent Mama Lai an article about a Florida woman who was arrested for allegedly trying to sell her 8 week old son for $9,000.  Mama Lai said:

"Ha...wow!  Babies actually worth that much?! I will be satisfied for 5000 dollars."