Mating Signals

One day when we're on the phone, Mama Lai asked me:

"Are you giving men signals?"

 "What are you talking about?"

Mama Lai blurted out:

"Men need encouragement.  You are very intimidating.  You always have a mean expression on your face.  That will scare men away."

I feebly protested that I don't think anyone is scared of me, but Mama Lai insisted:

"You can look like a bitch sometimes.  You have to seem more..."

Mama Lai seemed to be searching for the right word and then she caught it:

"Inviting.  Open for business." 

 

Communicating with Papa Lai

The other day, I called Mama Lai's mobile phone and Papa Lai picked up.  Papa Lai enthusiastically said:

"Talk to me!"

So I started in on my day and he quickly became bored and interrupted:

"Actually, why don't you talk to your mother.  I will get the summary from her later.  Or, why don't you e-mail me?" 

Disappointment and Heartache

One evening, I felt inadequate of Mama Lai's love and I apologized to her for never getting a PhD, not becoming a doctor or lawyer, never learning to play piano, getting average grades in school, and not getting her the Cadillac I promised.  Mama Lai patted me on the head and said:

"You know, it's ok?  You turned out to be a good kid.  All my children are good kids.  You are not disappointing to me.  We only hope for the best, want our kids lives to be easier."

And as she kept looking at me, she changed her mind:

"Well maybe the only heartache you give me is your weight." 

Korean Men

I told Mama Lai one of my friends was going to set me up with Korean.  Mama Lai paused:

"I don't think Koreans like Chinese people.  I try to be friendly to them and they treat me like I have a disease."

And then she added:

"You know in those Korean dramas we like to watch, Korean husbands are abusive to their wives." 

In the Land of Men

I haven't lived anywhere near Mama Lai and Papa Lai for the past 14 years.  In passing, I mentioned to Mama Lai that one of my friends in San Francisco suggested I move to the Bay Area, which would bring me closer than I have ever been to them.  Mama Lai thought about it and that she thought it was a great idea.  I teased Mama Lai:

"I didn't realize you missed me so much and want me to move closer."

Mama Lai said:

"Not really.  But there's more men in San Francisco.  That can only be a good thing for you."

The Gift of Song

I like to sing along to the radio especially when I drive.  After one such session with Mama Lai in the car, I lamented that Mama Lai did not bless me with the gift of song.  Mama Lai remembered:

"When you were five or six and started to go to church, they would lead everyone in song.  You didn't know how to sing, but you would get so into the music that you would just shout the words at the top of your voice.  And the Sunday school teachers didn't know what to do.  You weren't singing, but you did it with such enthusiasm."

And then she paused and laughed at me:

"And some things always stay the same." 

Danger to Society

I admit that I was a handful as an adolescent and went through a miserable period filled with angst, anxiety and insolence.  I often apologize to Mama Lai and Papa Lai for my poor behavior.  Once, Mama Lai said:

"There was a time I thought the only way that you should be allowed outside our house was inside a locked tower in a castle.  Thank goodness you matured and it didn't' come to that."

Taken Seriously

After I had lasik surgery and finally could stop wearing contacts and glasses, Mama Lai indicated to me that out of all my Facebook profile pictures, she liked the one of me wearing glasses the most:

"I just don't think anyone can take you seriously without glasses on.  With glasses, you look like you think about things.  Someone who has important thoughts.  Maybe people would mistake you for being a professor."

I joked that now that I have near perfect vision, I'll never be taken seriously again.  Mama Lai wouldn't have it:

"I found your old frames and I'm going to send them to you and you're going to find someone to put in fake lenses.  You can't go through life always being silly." 

Revenge by Grandchildren

It's no secret that Papa Lai wants grandchildren, but Mama Lai always staunchly denies that she pressures me or any of her ducklings to have kids:

"You guys are adults.  You make your own decisions.  If I want you to have kids, it's only because I want revenge for everything that you put me through."

The Fonz

When I was in elementary school, I watched a lot of television.  One of my favorite shows was "Happy Days" and I developed a crush on Henry Wrinkler's character "The Fonz".  One night, I dreamt that The Fonz whisked me away on his ultra-cool motorcycle and gave me a peck on my lips at sunset.  Wracked with Christian guilt, I ran to Mama Lai's room in tears.

Mama Lai, groggy from sleep, listened to my teary confession and laughed:

"You woke me up for this?  Go back to sleep.  He's too old for you."

Like Dating, Like Painting

Mama Lai believes I obsess over the wrong things when it comes to boys:

"You young people romanticize finding someone to settle down with.  Finding your match is like looking at a painting. Fine, you can fuss about the color, subject of the painting.  Sure, that side of the painting is always beautiful and there will be many angles you can see that painting.  But every painting has an ugly backside."

How to Find a Good Husband

Mama Lai told me that finding a good husband was more important than having a good career.  I pondered out loud:  "How do I find a good husband?".  And Mama Lai had this answer for me:

"You lose weight.  And a good husband will come find you."

Marriage Prospects

When I was first making plans to move to China after graduation, Mama Lai and Papa Lai were not thrilled.   There were many intense discussions about my plans and future.  In the middle of a heated argument, Mama Lai challenged me:

"Who will marry you in China?  You are independent American girl.  Chinese boys are different from American boys.  They will not accept that."

And I retorted:

"Who will marry me here???!"   

This gave Mama Lai a moment to pause and then she conceded (sort of):

"Very good point.  No one will marry you until you lose weight.  Now listen to your mommy and start taking better care of yourself." 

You are What You Eat

Mama Lai logged onto Facebook and saw something on my Wall that she didn't like:

"I see that  you're going with your friend to...eat Korean BBQ.  GIRLS ON DIETS DON'T EAT KOREAN BBQ!!!"

Taking my silence as disagreement:

"Fine don't listen to me.  But you might as well drive to the supermarket right now and buy a few flanks of steak and glue it on your tummy because that's what will happen to you if you go eat Korean BBQ." 

Papa Lai Wants to Adopt

Papa Lai sent his ducklings this video of a laughing baby:

"This baby is so cute. I want to adopt him.  His laugh chases away all the dark clouds and gloom."

And Duckie responded:

"I laugh, isn't that enough?" 

Beware of Cookies

I told Mama Lai that a friend was very sweet to me and bought me a pack of cookies.  Mama Lai said:

"That girl is not your friend."

Confused, I asked "What do you mean?  You haven't even met her!"

"I don't need to meet her.  You don't need to eat cookies.  She is not looking out for you.  Trust me.  I am your mother.  If she is feeding you cookies, she doesn't have your best interest at heart." 

Saving Money

My cousin who immigrated from China sought Papa Lai's advice on some ways to save money.  To Mama Lai's horror, she overheard Papa Lai telling my cousin how he saves money on dental floss:

"You can use dental floss more than once by washing it and then hanging it to dry on the towel rack."

My Future Doesn't Hold Cats

Mama Lai hasn't always agreed with the choices I've made in my life and expresses her concern at every turn:

"I worry that you chose a very hard path that is very risky.  Maybe you will be very poor. With no money.  You will be in poor health. And that you will have regrets.  And you will be alone..."

And I joked "are you afraid that I will be a spinster on welfare living with a bunch of cats?"

"That's silly.  You're allergic to cats.  I'm being serious.  Why would you want to live with cats?"