"Thank you, but I have wrinkles all over and in places you didn't even know you could have wrinkles in. It's a terrible thing to be old."
"Mom is totally the type to shoot first and ask questions later."The family rolled with laughter. Mama Lai paused for just a moment to consider her precious son's assessment of her:
"So? What's wrong with that? I'm usually right. That makes sense to me."
"Make sure you always have some piece of clothing near you. What a horrible thing to be found naked after an earthquake."
"You're a very pretty girl, my daughter, but you just can't tell from all the fat."
"And I'm not saying this makes him not a Christian man, but he does have a girlfriend whose breasts look like they are ready to explode from her chest."
"I created you. You owe me your life."And the Little Prince said "ok"!
"Yes! Yes! Definitely worth a fight! I want to see you try to fight your sister for the bed. That's Round 1. Round 2, my two daughters! That would be really interesting. Life always has more action when my three kids are home. Fight! Fight!"
"When you get old and you can't really do much, more important than anything else is your partner. The long-term importance of marriage is companionship -- young people don't understand that because you have so many friends, but when you get old, it's the person who sits by your side, who sometimes talks and sometimes listens who is really important in your life."I nodded my head in agreement and told Papa Lai that was "really deep" and Mama Lai p'shawed:
"Hmmmph. Don't get too excited. Your dad only realized this one year ago. How about the other 30 years?!"Papa Lai scratched the top of his head and with a wink to me, chuckled:
"Better late than never right, mar-mee?"
"What is wrong with you??? Are you driving and taking photos at the same time. Geez. And not only do you do stupid thing, you post it in public so everyone can see what an idiot you are."
"THAT is a phone??? I thought it was..."And she paused and then realized she didn't even know what the product in the commercial was.
"Oh these commercials are so good. I don't even know it was, but they make it look so cool."And Papa Lai left the room and said grumpily:
"I don't know what it is either, but I want one."
"Oh I'm just sitting here being lazy. Dreaming how my 3 kids will all grow up and meet good matches, make good money and buy me a house and take me on vacations. Call me later. I am not ready for reality."Then Mama Lai hung up on me.
"Aiyah. Don't complain. I gave you boobs. I don't even have boobs. You're very lucky. Geez, give me a little credit."
"You need to be constantly improving yourself."Not in the mood to hear it from Mama Lai the other day, I talk backed and said "my future husband will just have to love me for who I am." Then Mama Lai said:
"You don't improve yourself for other people. As you get older you realize it's more important what you think of yourself when you confront your own reflection than what other people think. When you look at yourself in the mirror when you're at my age, you want to know you put everything into making yourself the best that you can be."
"You will meet your match through an introduction by friends. You will date for one to two years and will be married by the spring of your 28th birthday. He will be tall and jolly, Chinese American and of good temperament and he will be beloved by your family."What she saw in the crystal ball was Mama Lai's ultimate dream for me. But as the fortune teller explained to me before the session, I can always alter my own destiny. And as my 28th birthday came and went, I discovered that Mama Lai had been secretly listening to the tape as a source of hope. When I turned 30, she listened to it again.
"Somehow you altered your destiny," Mama Lai said with great disappointment.Shaking her head, she added:
"Now anything can happen."
"How much does Mommy love you?"And, unabashedly confident in Mama Lai's love for us, our sibling rivalry would have us try to outdo each other in our answer: "as much as the Ocean", or "beyond the whole wide universe." Eventually Mama Lai would turn the tables and test her two daughters' love for their mother:
"When you grow up, will you buy mommy a Cadillac?"Mama Lai recalled that no matter how many times she would ask me, my answer would always be "yes", but I would always come back to her, sometimes in tears, worried that Cadillacs were very expensive and that I would never be afford to buy her one.
"Sure I will buy you one. And then we can put it over the fireplace."Mama Lai mused:
"You were always so sweet, but so serious. So silly. Your sister was so young, but so clever. My two different girls -- from my same tummy!"
"See all those pretty desserts? Take it all in and now pretend that you have it in your mouth and you can taste it..."And then she would guide us out of the bakery section without having put a single item in our basket:
"Good! Now are well all full? See, delicious and no calories. Now we go grocery shopping!"
Subject: Yey!!!
Ok, your daddy is out of town for one week. So, your mother is officially starting single life NOW!
But what I suppose to do?
Ideas?
"If we didnt have these pictures no one could actually say you are Mama Lai's child."Being the tattletale that I am, I related my sister's musings to Mama Lai and she laughed at me:
"She is right. You don't look like me. And you don't really look like your daddy. Wait! I must've brought home the wrong baby from the hospital. Too bad it only took us 30 years to realize it. Hahahahahahaha."And she was still laughing at her joke when I hung up the phone.
"Be careful of those snowflakes. You just got your lasik. Get a flame thrower and melt those suckers before they strike you blind!"
"Mmmmm. Maybe."
"What? Did you just hear what I said?"
"What? I only listen when you have something important to say."
"Christmas tree?? We have Christmas tree! I will get you a Christmas tree."Duckie and I were both bewildered. It was very unlike Mama Lai to get excited about a holiday, much less agree to decorate a tree. She disappeared into the garage and minutes later came in with a box. No one quite knew what was going on so we gathered around her like it was Christmas morning. She reached into the box and pulled out a 3 foot plastic Christmas tree that we haven't used since before my brother was born.
"Look! I didn't even take the ornaments off of it so we don't have to do any work."
"Men don't want to marry a woman who looks like a bird who can fly away."
"And that is when I realized that your brother is a slowpoke too."
"I feel like this is trick question. I'm not sad at all...your brother is coming home! I'm so excited."(to my friend: Told you!)
"I get to see all three of you at Christmas. So much work taking care of all of you. I hope you guys don't make a mess in my house."
"Maybe we should send our eldest to charm school."I protested and asked what charm school even was, but my presence and thoughts were completely ignored. Mama Lai replied:
"If that's what we're relying on, then I think it's hopeless."
"He [Tony Leung] is talking to a bar of soap. This is nonsense."I pouted and said that this is one of my favorite movies. And I thought it was sweet and romantic. Mama Lai gave me a "look" and said:
"God made us love our children so much that we would never see any harm come to them. But I think if I was not your mother we could never be friends."
"I'm not going to kiss anyone until the day I get married!"
"You know your boyfriend is going to want to do a whole lot more than kiss you, right?"
"Do you want to know what YOUR daughter said to me?"And Papa Lai and Mama Lai had a cozy laugh at their naive teenage daughter's expense.
"I would set Papa Lai on fire for one of those Japanese mochi balls."Oh Papa Lai, your Mama Lai is so gentle, gentle as a dove.
"Don't talk. You would set a boyfriend on fire for a candy bar."
"Now I know your daddy was drinking coffee! I thought he never touched the stuff. Another similar thing happened also about 7 or 8 years ago. One day your daddy suddenly told me he needs changes [change] to get pepsi from machine at work (he was drinking pepsi everyday at work!). I was so surprised. Because he never asked for pepsi or soft drink at home. Hmm, I wonder what else I do not know about your daddy..."
"You know I haven't been to JCPenney for very long time. But I find out about the birthday coupon and I have to come BUT..."
"But the clothes here are so...hideous. Even their furniture is so...ugly."
"Your Uncle gave me this terrific suggestion. Outside of Home Depot there's a crowd of Mexicans standing around looking for work. He suggested that he and I do the same thing, stand outside Home Depot and wait for a job. He said we can drink free Home Depot coffee while we wait. I don't know. Do you think anyone would hire me as a laborer? What do you think? Should I learn Spanish?"
"You were so cute back then."Then I joked, "What happened, huh?"
Mama Lai replied:
"You learned to talk."
"What should your mother be?"
"She should be a teradactyl...or a sabre tooth tiger."
"No, no. You mother is so gentle...like a dove."
“I read beginning of book and then I get impatient. So then I read the end. You like to read so then you can tell me if I missed anything good.”
"I am your mother. You owe me your life."
"I heard you said I squawk like a bird."
"What? I talked to no one about you today."
"What about yesterday?"
"Too long ago, not responsible for that."
"Ha...wow! Babies actually worth that much?! I will be satisfied for 5000 dollars."
"The McRib consists of a formed ground pork patty, barbecue sauce, onions, and pickles served on a 6 inch (15.2 cm) roll. The patty is precooked, frozen and later reheated
500 calories, half of them from fat.Ok, my family, the most is one a month.
Mama Lai"Then Mama Lai called me and said:
"Actually, for you, you're not allowed to have any. You have to stay away."
“Wait until it really becomes winter there. Your sister has never experienced such cold. She’ll turn into a popsicle. Hahaha. She’ll be a roly-poly popsicle [from all the clothes she will have to wear]. We will hear your sister squawk about it all the way here on the West Coast."
“This will be very entertaining.”
“He hit gold.”
“Maybe if you lost 15 pounds that would happen.”
“This is a mistake. You should not go to college here.”
“What? Why?”
“The girls are so pretty here. Too much competition – how will you meet someone?”
“So? Maybe she was busy.”They were bewildered because Papa Lai doesn’t talk on the phone with any of us. And if he knew what was going on with any of us three ducklings it was because he eavesdrops on our conversations with Mama Lai or because Mama Lai tells him so. This includes our dating life, school, work and birthdays. Mama Lai suspiciously asked:
“How do you know? Did she call??”Papa Lai looked down and quietly said:
“Maybe…maybe she’s busy falling in love.”And all three: Mama Lai, little brother and sister were dumbfounded. Speechless.
“I can dream. I just want grandchildren, ok?”
“I have 3 children. And each of them call me every day without me asking.”
“I wasn’t sure what I was going to say. I did not know they were going to ask us to speak. And when I was waiting my turn I tried to think of what I was most proud of in my life. And it’s my 3 kids.”
“He’s so handsome. Very cute. Your dad doesn’t like his mischievous look, but I like.”
“I think he is very popular. But I have to draw the line somewhere. He’s cute, but not that cute.”
"How about renting from Blockbuster?"
“And pay $5.00? That’s not worth it. I can see him for free every week on TV!”
“It doesn’t hurt to smile.”
“You know…I would just think maybe before you tell people what you like. And sometimes you should think that maybe you like something just because other people don’t like it. You don’t always have to be different. Sometimes it’s ok to like what other people like.”
“Nobody wants to marry a weirdo.”
“That’s life. Girl want to be pretty so that’s what you do.”
“You guys so sensitive. I just say what I think, what’s on my mind. I’m honest. Maybe there’s a communication problem – you girls misunderstand what I say. You young people are always complaining about not having enough rights. Rights for this and that. I have right to speak. I am in America, I do not censor myself.”
“Well obviously, you’re not having any luck here. Don’t be so limited, think global.”
“He doesn’t speak English. But you’re trying to improve your Chinese right? And, he can’t get a visa to come to the U.S. But you were thinking of visiting China anyway? You like it there. You can visit him and get to know him.”
“Auntie (The Shanghai Matchmaker) called and the boy’s family is Communist. And we are not Communist family so not such a good idea.”
"I think people do botox for first couple of times will look good. But later on their face puffy and look like a face from wax museum! And if they stop doing botox, they will look much worse than before. One thing good for we Asians is our skin is much tighter than Whites. We don’t need it."
"Your friend makes some yummy looking stuff. The guy that marries her will be one lucky dude. When u come home for Christmas why don't you try your hand at some of her baking ? It should be fun and tasty.
Papa Lai
"I've met people who only 2 meals a day and I laugh at all of them! Do you know who else only eats 2 meals a day? Dogs."A special thanks to the parties involved for giving me permission to publish this.
“Why do you produce so much oil? Those other girls look normal and you look so…shiny. You should carry…what is it called? Powder. Powder will absorb oil. Why are you so dark? You look so dark compared to those girls. Need to remember to wear sunblock. But mommy thinks you look like you’ve been working hard. Your face is no longer a block and has some shape. Keep up the good work! Don’t stop!”
“Who is THAT?”
“Um, me dad. Your first born.”
“Doesn’t look like you.”
“This photo doesn’t say anything. What is it?”
“Oh. Who are you friends? I don’t recognize them. I recognize you though!”
“And still beautiful.”
"I think you should be an exotic dancer."
"Umm...what do you think an exotic dancer does Mom?" asked my sister.
"Exotic dancers...dance exotically. You know like...Polynesian dancing. When we went to Hawaii those girls who dance you know?"Then my sister and I pointed out what exotic dancing really means and Mama Lai said:
"You girls have dirty minds. I don't think that way. My mind is pure...like a dove."
"I just want you to find someone you that matches what you lack. Hopefully you will like that person and maybe he will like you back."
"Oh you young people. Like and love not as important as matching. It's important that he has the confidence to be what you need. Or you will have a hard life. I care more that you like him."
"Didn't I tell you? Men are useless. Not even important element in reproduction. Why we need men?"
"Male bees make baby bees and then die. All the worker bees are female. Men eat much more than women and do just as much work. So inefficient. They are inferior species."
Dear Sons,
Last night, we went to a seminar Your Stock Success Workshop presented by Rich Dad Education
try to sell 3 days training courses for trading stock options no matter stock go up, down or side way you can make money. trace the big mutual funds selling or buying certain stocks (take them months to sell or buy chuck by chuck) $199 for 3 days training for 2 people (many people signed up but not us) I will discuss with Winston for financial institutes' trade.
the speaker as usual is very good talker, He mentioned we could not get financial concepts from school. and I agree it is very important. If you don't take care of money, money won't care about you neither.
He put up the slide shows what are assets or liabilities cars are liabilities
rental properties (positive cash flow) are Assets then SPOUSE flash on the screen He asked Spouse is Asset or Liability? The audience are quiet no body dare to answer. Speaker said "what's wrong with you? I always feel my wife is one of my biggest assets. If your spouses are liabilities, what should you do? get rid of it, DIVORCE!
"hahahaha. that is so funny. I think half the room would say spouse is liability. at this moment your daddy is asset. but spouse is like stocks and has its own phases. sometimes asset and sometimes liability. sometimes part asset, part liability. sometimes start off liability and must be patient for it to be asset"
The audience smile with little bitter.
I always hope my sons are big assets for their spouses and can appreciate their spouses are their biggest assets too.
Enjoy life.
Take care of financial matters.
Love
mom
"I wonder what class she takes. I want to take class. I will read again and decide if this is interesting class."
“In this small apartment is my husband, me and this baby. If there’s anyone who’s getting abused is me.’ ”
“I did that town community service. And this is how you tortured me. You even sent child services to me. You abused? Ha. You abuse me!”
“They even brought on a sex therapist. What is wrong with this country that you can be guest on Oprah because you don’t have sex. Gee, so stupid. They virgins because there is no one to have sex with. They don't need doctor."
"You need to be delicious."
"Pardon?"
"Boys like girls to be delicious. You look like vegetable. You need to be dessert."
"If you don’t come back in 10 days I will hunt down your friend’s best friend, your friend’s family and kill them. And then I will find his relatives and kill each of them too."
And in my tumultuous first year of college, there was the guy in Boston who didn't get along with his sister, the guy in Atlanta who was a PhD in engineering, the law student at USC, and the Stanford grad students who liked to go swing dancing…"My single eighteen year old daughter. Just started college. Would you like to chat with her?"
"I'm good judge of character. He wouldn't dare do anything to my daughter."
