Friday, December 31, 2010

Anti-Wrinkle Cream

Mama Lai rarely allows herself to indulge in very much, but lately she's had a weakness for expensive anti-aging creams.    After running out of the cream two months after purchasing it, she returned to the make-up counter to pick up another jar.  The make-up counter girl recognized Mama Lai and was surprised that she was back so soon.  She lightly informed Mama Lai that the jar she bought was meant to last her six months or longer.

In an effort to save Mama Lai some money, she good-naturedly tried to demonstrate the amount that she should be applying to get more bang for her buck.  Mama Lai took one look at the young, pretty make-up counter girl, laughed,  and then admonished her:
"Thank you, but I have wrinkles all over and in places you didn't even know you could have wrinkles in.  It's a terrible thing to be old."  

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Expendables

Mama Lai's ducklings decided to go to Redbox to rent Mama Lai the movie, "The Expendables".  Though she complained there wasn't much of a story, Mama Lai was glued to the television set from beginning to end and concluded that it was a good rental choice.  My brother the Little Prince was not the least bit surprised that Mama Lai enjoyed the movie:
"Mom is totally the type to shoot first and ask questions later."
The family rolled with laughter.  Mama Lai paused for just a moment to consider her precious son's assessment of her:
"So?  What's wrong with that?  I'm usually right.  That makes sense to me."

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Earthquake Tip

Mama Lai watched the Chinese movie "Aftershock" about the tragic Tangshan earthquake in the 1970s, a movie which brought me and friends to tears.  Mama Lai turned to me and tearlessly said:
"Make sure you always have some piece of clothing near you.  What a horrible thing to be found naked after an earthquake."

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Hidden Beauty

I recently underwent Lasik surgery and when I awoke from my Valium induced slumber I saw myself in 20/20 vision for the first time.  And in a mixture of raw emotion of actually being able to see without assisted lenses and seeing myself clearly for the first time (I don't recommend looking in the mirror right after surgery) I started to cry wtih what few tears my dried out tear ducts allowed me to muster.  I was so startled by how hideous I looked, puffy and bloodshot eyes and a swelling face.   Mama Lai came with a warm towel to wipe my tears away:
"You're a very pretty girl, my daughter, but you just can't tell from all the fat."

Monday, December 27, 2010

Monday Night Football

Mama Lai loves football.  She doesn't root for teams, but for individuals.  Recently, she was gushing to me about one of her favorite players, Tim Tebow with the Denver Broncos.  After rattling off a list of Trebow's impressive accomplishments since his days playing college football, she stated with great admiration that he was a Christian athlete, but with one disclaimer:
"And I'm not saying this makes him not a Christian man, but he does have a girlfriend whose breasts look like they are ready to explode from her chest."

Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Creator

When Mama Lai hasn't seen her three ducklings for a little while, she likes to poke and prod them like science experiments.  This time around, my brother, the Little Prince complained and protested with all of his near 6 foot might and Mama Lai stared him down and said:
"I created you.  You owe me your life."
And the Little Prince said "ok"!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Fight! Fight!

Before I returned home for the holidays, Mama Lai was complaining to me about how life gets really boring when you get old.  She was really excited that her three ducklings would be home to spice things up.

Due to space restrictions and a scarcity of beds, it was assumed that my sister, Duckie, would get to sleep in her very comfortable and fairly new bed with a memory foam mattress which was being stored in one of Mama Lai's bedrooms.  My brother, the Little Prince, would be relegated to the couch in the living room.  The Little Prince arrived home earlier than Duckie and had a chance to sleep in her bed for a few days before she made claim to it and declared to Mama Lai that Duckie's bed "may be worth a fight."

Mama Lai got really excited, did a Mama Lai "fist pump" and squealed:
"Yes! Yes!  Definitely worth a fight!  I want to see you try to fight your sister for the bed. That's Round 1.  Round 2, my two daughters!  That would be really interesting.  Life always has more action when my three kids are home.  Fight! Fight!"

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Marriage Lesson

I was catching up with Mama Lai and Papa Lai when the subject matter veered towards the inevitable topic:  marriage.  Papa Lai leaned over, gestured to Mama Lai and said:
"When you get old and you can't really do much, more important than anything else is your partner.  The long-term importance of marriage is companionship -- young people don't understand that because you have so many friends, but when you get old, it's the person who sits by your side, who sometimes talks and sometimes listens who is really important in your life."
I nodded my head in agreement and told Papa Lai that was "really deep" and Mama Lai p'shawed:
"Hmmmph.  Don't get too excited.  Your dad only realized this one year ago.  How about the other 30 years?!"
Papa Lai scratched the top of his head and with a wink to me, chuckled:
 "Better late than never right, mar-mee?"
 

Monday, December 20, 2010

Saving Face

I have the Asian curse.  So not only do I turn abominably bright red when I consume alcohol, I have a frightening compulsion to take pictures of...everything.  I drove home to spend the holidays with my parents and decided to snap some photos on my 6-hour rainy drive with my smartphone and then post them on Facebook.  When I arrived home, Mama Lai welcomed me with:
"What is wrong with you???  Are you driving and taking photos at the same time.  Geez.  And not only do you do stupid thing, you post it in public so everyone can see what an idiot you are."

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Power of an Apple Commercial

In our house, Papa Lai was well-known for his epic battles with our PCs.  There have been a few keyboards and mouse(s) that have been collateral damage in Papa Lai's war with the machines.  Mama Lai isn't much more savvy, but her battle tactics are more passive aggressive.  The cameras and video cameras they purchase sit in closets, collecting dust in their original boxes.

One holiday season, I was sitting with Mama Lai and Papa Lai when the iPhone commercial came up.  I heard Mama Lai and Papa Lai "ooh and ahh".  In coincidental unison, they both said "I want that."  Surprised because my parents, at the time, barely knew how to answer their phone, I incredulously responded "you want an iPhone???".  Mama Lai  said:
"THAT is a phone??? I thought it was..."
And she paused and then realized she didn't even know what the product in the commercial was.
"Oh these commercials are so good.  I don't even know it was, but they make it look so cool." 
And Papa Lai left the room and said grumpily:
"I don't know what it is either, but I want one." 

Daydreamer

Once I called Mama Lai and asked her what she was up to:
"Oh I'm just sitting here being lazy.  Dreaming how my 3 kids will all grow up and meet good matches, make good money and buy me a house and take me on vacations.  Call me later.  I am not ready for reality."
Then Mama Lai hung up on me.  

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Blessed with Mama Lai Genetics

I was complaining to Mama Lai about my poor biology (namely, bad eyesight, slow metabolism, etc.) and how she and Papa Lai cursed me with bad genetics.  I started to get carried away on my rant about how they have only given me a panoply of maladies to look forward to in my old age when Mama Lai interrupted me and effectively ended my negativity:
"Aiyah.  Don't complain.  I gave you boobs.  I don't even have boobs.  You're very lucky.  Geez, give me a little credit."

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Be All that You can Be

Mama Lai was giving me a pep talk about fitness, dieting and presentability:
"You need to be constantly improving yourself."
Not in the mood to hear it from Mama Lai the other day, I talk backed and said "my future husband will just have to love me for who I am."  Then Mama Lai said:
"You don't improve yourself for other people.  As you get older you realize it's more important what you think of yourself when you confront your own reflection than what other people think.  When you look at yourself in the mirror when you're at my age, you want to know you put everything into making yourself the best that you can be." 

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Fortune Teller

When I graduated college, I moved to Taiwan.  A co-worker brought me to a famous psychic who did crystal ball readings in Taipei.  The session is private and my Chinese was poor so the psychic was kind enough to make a tape recording of her fortunetelling so it can be replayed and translated for me later.  In my future she saw (as translated to me by Mama Lai):
"You will meet your match through an introduction by friends.  You will date for one to two years and will be married by the spring of your 28th birthday.  He will be tall and jolly, Chinese American and of good temperament and he will be beloved by your family."
What she saw in the crystal ball was Mama Lai's ultimate dream for me.  But as the fortune teller explained to me before the session, I can always alter my own destiny.  And as my 28th birthday came and went, I discovered that Mama Lai had been secretly listening to the tape as a source of hope.   When I turned 30, she listened to it again.
"Somehow you altered your destiny,"   Mama Lai said with great disappointment.
 Shaking her head, she added:
"Now anything can happen."

Monday, December 13, 2010

The Cadillac Test

When my sister and I were were very young, Mama Lai would ask us:
"How much does Mommy love you?"
And, unabashedly confident in Mama Lai's love for us, our sibling rivalry would have us try to outdo each other in our answer: "as much as the Ocean", or "beyond the whole wide universe."  Eventually Mama Lai would turn the tables and test her two daughters' love for their mother:
"When you grow up, will you buy mommy a Cadillac?"
Mama Lai recalled that no matter how many times she would ask me, my answer would always be "yes", but I would always come back to her, sometimes in tears, worried that Cadillacs were very expensive and that I would never be afford to buy her one. 

When Duckie, my sister, became old enough for Mama Lai's Cadillac Test her very first answer put an end to it:
"Sure I will buy you one.  And then we can put it over the fireplace."
Mama Lai mused:
"You were always so sweet, but so serious. So silly.  Your sister was so young, but so clever.  My two different girls -- from my same tummy!" 

Friday, December 10, 2010

Just Desserts

When I was still in the single digits range in age, Mama Lai would sometimes take me and my siblings to the local supermarket to grocery shop.  Our first stop would always be the bakery section and she'd have us stand in a row in front of the display cases and take us through a visualization process:
"See all those pretty desserts?  Take it all in and now pretend that you have it in your mouth and you can taste it..."
And then she would guide us out of the bakery section without having put a single item in our basket:
"Good!  Now are well all full?  See, delicious and no calories.  Now we go grocery shopping!"

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Single Life

Papa Lai went out of town and Mama Lai sent her three ducklings any e-mail:
Subject:  Yey!!!
Ok, your daddy is out of town for one week.  So, your mother is officially starting single life NOW!
But what I suppose to do?
Ideas?


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Is Mama Lai my Mama?

My sister was closely examining the photos from this blog's banner and decided that she had Mama Lai's long face and my brother clearly had Mama Lai's eyebrows.  But remarked:
"If we didnt have these pictures no one could actually say you are Mama Lai's child."
Being the tattletale that I am, I related my sister's musings to Mama Lai and she laughed at me:
"She is right.  You don't look like me. And you don't really look like your daddy.  Wait! I must've brought home the wrong baby from the hospital.  Too bad it only took us 30 years to realize it. Hahahahahahaha."
 And she was still laughing at her joke when I hung up the phone.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Papa Lai on How to Protect Yourself...from Snowflakes

When Papa Lai found out that my sister was experiencing her first snow:
"Be careful of those snowflakes. You just got your lasik. Get a flame thrower and melt those suckers before they strike you blind!"

Monday, December 6, 2010

Mama Lai and Listening

I was on the phone with Mama Lai telling her about my day, but I sensed she wasn't listening.  So I said "Sometimes I think I love you more than you love me."  Mama Lai mumbled:
"Mmmmm. Maybe."
"What?  Did you just hear what I said?"
"What?  I only listen when you have something important to say." 

Friday, December 3, 2010

Our Baby Brother's First Christmas Tree - Mama Lai Style

Mama Lai was never instilled with much holiday spirit.  Growing up, I don't have any clear memories of us doing anything "traditional" for Thanksgiving or Christmas unless another family invited us over for the holidays.  One year, when our baby brother turned five, he was learning about Christmas about school and conveyed to Mama Lai that he would be really excited to decorate a Christmas tree.
"Christmas tree??  We have Christmas tree!  I will get you a Christmas tree."
Duckie and I were both bewildered.  It was very unlike Mama Lai to get excited about a holiday, much less agree to decorate a tree.  She disappeared into the garage and minutes later came in with a box.  No one quite knew what was going on so we gathered around her like it was Christmas morning.  She reached into the box and pulled out a 3 foot plastic Christmas tree that we haven't used since before my brother was born.
"Look!  I didn't even take the ornaments off of it so we don't have to do any work." 

Poor baby brother didn't get to decorate his Christmas tree, but it was the first year in a long time that we even had one.  Happy Holidays!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Men Don't Want Birds

Mama Lai saw a photo I posted on FB that she felt was unflattering calling me out on my underarm fat.  She kindly suggested I start doing weights to solve the problem:
"Men don't want to marry a woman who looks like a bird who can fly away."

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Like Father, Like Son

One of the hobbies Papa Lai recently picked up was bicycling so when my brother returned home for the holidays my brother went cycling with him.  Mama Lai was bracing herself for my brother to return unhappy and complaining about how cold it was, or how slow Papa Lai was, etc.  But when my brother returned home, he seemed as happy as a clam and told Mama Lai the bike ride was "fine."  She called and breathed a long reconciliatory sigh and said:
"And that is when I realized that your brother is a slowpoke too."