Wal-Mart Beauty

Mama Lai and I were discussing Duckie's recent trip to Portugal.  Mama Lai had taken notice of the people in the background of Duckie's pictures.  Based on those photos, Mama Lai concluded that the people of Portugal were "not a beautiful people".  Mama Lai batted her lashes at me over webcam and said:

"They can't compare to California people.  We are known for are beauty and are healthy, beautiful, attractive, well-muscled people.  It's true!  You know your [Papa Lai] goes to Texas, and I've been to Iowa and you stand out on any normal street corner.  Different landscape.  Different looking.  California are a good looking people."

But then Mama Lai paused and thought:

"But you know if you go to Wal-mart, it doesn't matter what State you're in.  The people are not so beautiful, not too attractive.  Hahaha...like me!"

 

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas

Mama Lai sent me and Duckie this e-mail holiday greeting and I thought I'd share it with you all.

Merry Christmas!

Florida, No Way

Mama Lai is very settled in California and has little plans to move even though two of her three children no longer live there.  Duckie recently took a trip to Florida and found the weather and the housing prices rather agreeable.  She rang Mama Lai to encourage her to looking into moving there in their retirement.  Mama Lai refused:

"Florida?  What??  With all those crocodiles or alligators running around?  Too horrible."

Duckie laughed and said that she hadn't seen one in the week or so that she was there nor have her friends who frequently hide out in Florida in the winter.  Mama Lai said:

"Yeah...right.  Well, all you have to see it is just once, and I run far, far way.  Far away to California!" 

Retirement

Mama Lai went into retirement, but after awhile she got bored.  Mama Lai decided to apply for a volunteer position and the non-profit organization and was really excited that they found a place for her.  Mama Lai called me by video chat and reported:

"Yah!  They said I would work the front desk!  I will answer phones and greet people.  I will be the first face people see when they come.  I will be the face of the organization.  My skin cream must be working!" 

Then Mama Lai pushed her face to the webcam and said:

"See?  What do you think?" 

My Daughter is Awesome!

Mama Lai was on Facebook and saw that one of my friends had posted the following comment to one of my status updates:

Mama Lai called to say she wanted to post an answer to my friend Roxx X'ster's question, but didn't know how to.  This is what Mama Lai wanted to say:

"Yah!!  Of course my daughter is awesome!  She's awesome because she is MY daughter!"

Got you in Beijing!

I was having a gloomy day at the office when I walked to the convenience stand on the ground floor of my building where you'll find me weekly buying gum and yoghurt.  Feeling rebellious and in the need for a pick-me-up I wanted to buy some custard cakes and the sales lady says to me:

"Shouldn't eat cakes.  Will make you fat!  And then what a disappointment you would be to your mother."

And I just have to know Mama Lai, how in the world did you get to my convenience store lady!!

I walked away with some healthy yoghurt instead.  

Facebook Food Stalking

Mama Lai was Facebook stalking me and send me this e-mail:

"I saw your post in facebook. You went to have  hotpot. Are you watching what you eat everyday? Try not to ruin your weight losing goal because of food. Not saying not to have fun time with friends. Just not to eat too much, not oily, no pasta or rice.

Ok, ok....I am nagging again.
Running away really fast...."

Backwards Compliment

I was tickled when a salesgirl guessed my age and guessed much younger than I am.  But Mama Lai was of a contrary belief:

"Maybe not such a good thing.  May mean you don't look sophisticated enough."

Who Moved His Cheese?

Mama Lai and I were wandering around a museum and we came across this piece:

And Mama Lai put a hand on her hip and demanded:

"What is this meaning of this?!  Why is he looking for cheese?"

She took one last quizzical glance and said to me:

"Well the weird guy is left handed.  That much I know." 

Head-to-Toe

Mama Lai looked down at her painted toe nails and remarked:

"You know, I always thought the best looking part of me are my toes.  I look down at my feet and I admire them.  But then I think, why couldn't it reverse, good head instead of good feet."

Skinny Dumpling

Mama Lai and I were preparing dumplings and she laughed at my the shape of my dumplings:

"If only you were as skinny as the dumplings you make, we would have no problems!"

Papa Lai should be Grandpapa Lai

Papa Lai took a morning stroll outside my apartment building and ran into a mother and a cute toddler.  The mother, in Chinese, told her little one to wave shake hands with her "grandfather neighbor" and Papa Lai returned to my place grumpy:

"I was just 'Uncle'!  When did I become a grandfather???"

And then he pouted at me:

"Already called grandfather and you haven't given me any grandkids!" 

Beijing Cabbies and Youthful Beauty

Papa Lai had heard some of my stories about Beijing cab drivers and tried to obtain some of the stories and insights while he was visiting China's bustling capital.  But he and Mama Lai were not able to achieve some of my more interesting results and Mama Lai said:

"Of course [Papa Lai] we are not as good to look at as our daughter.  They look at the rearview mirror and see old face.  Old face so ugly.  Young pretty face, anything sounds good.  Old face says something and it sounds boring."

Safety First

Mama Lai came to stay with me at my apartment.  While I was at work, Mama Lai rang me (and it is very rare that Mama Lai ever calls me, especially at work):

"I have something important to tell you.  Before I forget."

Bracing myself the worst, I told her to hurry up and tell me.  Mama Lai said:

"I just took a shower in your bathroom.  And your tub is very slippery.  And there is an incline.  Last month I read about a girl who slipped in the shower and hit her head and was in a coma.  You have to get a bath mat for your tub.  Otherwise you will be unconscious.  Don't forget or it will be your own fault."

Visit to First Daughter - Upon Landing

Mama Lai and Papa Lai came to visit me in China.  They arrived at 8pm and when they walked into my apartment, Mama Lai's first words were:

"Where's your bed?"

I directed her to the bedroom and then she called me in:

"Your housekeeper is not doing a good job scrubbing your sink.  I can tell you have not scrubbed your sink since moving in." 

And then dissatisfied with my reaction she said:

"I'm going to bed.   See you tomorrow." 

And Papa Lai walked into the apartment and said:

"Why is it so hot here? I like your couch.  I'm going to sleep there tonight.  Open a window."

Papa Lai curled up and promptly fell asleep on the couch.

And then they woke me up at 6am to take them to breakfast.  

The Little Prince and his Wicked Sisters

Mama Lai was perplexed over the Little Prince and why he has not brought a girlfriend home to seek her approval.  I pondered over what kind of girls the Little Prince might like and Mama Lai said:

"[The Little Prince] like small, cute girls who speak 'giligooloogiligooloo' that are very sweet and nice.  Basically, girls who are nothing like his two mean sisters."

Stuck for Life

I was having one of those days where Mama Lai couldn't say anything without annoying me.  Mama Lai knew enough to leave me alone, but had these parting words:

"I know, I know...I can be so annoying, but you know what?  You stuck with me.  You've no choice.  I am your mommy for LIFE."

Punishment by Exercise

I told Mama Lai that I accidentally got off on the wrong floor of the elevator and was caught by a young Chinese couple who thought I was trying to break into their home.  Mama Lai laughed at me and said:

"You should run nine flights of stairs as punishment!  Lose weight and be better person!"

Brand of Justice

Mama Lai saw that I posted this YouTube Video on my Facebook:

Mama Lai said:

"That is so annoying what he is doing.  He should go to jail." 

US Open

Mama Lai walked into the room while the Little Prince was watching the US Open.

"What?  Who is that person with the weird hair?"

The Little Prince, without looking up from the the screen, replied:  "That's Djokovic.  He's the No. 1 seed at the US Open".

"Well, he's on TV and he should do something about that weird hair." 

Wearing Clothes

Whenever I return home, Mama Lai will start making me play dress-up.  Mama Lai and me around the same height and build and she will pull from her closet all of her recently acquired items and make me model them out for her.

"You should take this.  And this.  You are still wearing old clothes!  You need more NEW clothes."

And I will protest knowing that Mama Lai bought these clothes for herself.  And Mama Lai responds:

"I'm old.  All clothes look better on young people.  Enjoy while you can.  When you get old, you wear clothes to cover old body to not frighten people."

  

Size Comparison

Mama Lai bought a new phone very similar to the phone that she had been using.  But she couldn't decide which phone was smaller and asked me:

"Are you in front of the computer?  Go look up my new phone and my old phone.  Which one is bigger?"

And I said "Don't you have both phones?  Why can't you just compare them and see?"  Mama Lai sighed:

"I'm too lazy!!  Use your imagination.  Put your brain to use." 

Welcoming the Little Prince Home

Mama Lai and I were on the phone, and she was sharing with me how happy she was that the Little Prince was returning home for the weekend:

"Yes!  So happy my son is coming back....I can put him to work!"

Sleeping Companion

Mama Lai and Papa Lai went to visit a friend who lived out-of-state.  And in the guest bedroom, there was a computer which they could use to go online.  Mama Lai said:

"Papa Lai was so happy to have a bed in the computer room!  I think I will buy him a laptop computer so he can always have one with him."

The Naked Masseur

During a trip to China, I decided to get a massage.  Three quarters into my session, the masseur decides to strip off his clothes and offer himself up to me, stark naked.  In the aftermath, I called Mama Lai expecting shock, maybe even outrage.  Instead, Mama Lai laughed:

"What?? How did that happen?  I think they only would give services like that to older women.  You must not have been wearing any make-up -- they accidentally took you for an older woman with needs! Hahahaha." 

On the Financial Crisis

Mama Lai has been tracking the market with great anxiety.  Mama Lai remarked that nowadays when one country's economy sinks it affects all countries:

"I used to really like that Olympic theme song 'One World, One Dream', but now that song sounds like 'one nightmare'."

Less than Perfect

Mama Lai was quite happy over my recent weight loss.  On a recent video chat session, she made me stand up, twirl and said:

"Good, good.  Keep losing!  Never gain it back.  And now that you seem to finally holding your weight together, let's talk about fixing your teeth.  Do you open your mouth and look in the mirror and smile?  It's getting messy in there."

Too Old for Make-up

When I'm at home, Mama Lai doesn't let me walk out of the house without putting make-up on.  And as I powdered my nose under her watchful eye, I reproached her for her hypocrisy since she clearly was not wearing any make-up.  Mama Lai peered into the mirror at herself and said:

"Make-up?  What can make-up do for my old, ugly face?  Shouldn't waste it on me.  It's for young people like you when it actually will make you look better."

Happy Birthday Duckie!

Mama Lai sends Duckie a birthday e-mail:

"Happy Birthday, my little duckling! Of course, you were not born yet at this hour. I had to suffer for a while before you decided to come out!"

Papa Lai Says "Happy Birthday"?

I was video chatting with Papa Lai and he said excitedly:

"Guess whose birthday it is this week??!"

And thinking Papa Lai had something interesting planned for Duckie's birthday, I said:  "Duckie!!  What do you have planned?"

Papa Lai paused with a look of confusion:

"Riiiiiight.  Yes it's her birthday too, but it's also someone else's birthday....it's Martina's [Mcbride]'s birthday this week too!!" 

[For non-Martina McBride fans, Martina's birthday is July 29th].

Hard Being Parent

When I reached my mid-twenties I decided to confront Mama Lai over all the missed basketball games, rowing races, tennis matches and various other unattended school and extracurricular events.  I wanted her to account for the lack of support I felt all those years growing up.  Mama Lai heard me through my venting and ranting, cocked her head to one side and sighed:

"I never knew you felt that way!  I honestly felt like I was stretched so thin. I was so tired from sleeping very little raising you three and then I would have to drop you off here, pick you up somewhere else so you can participate in anything that you were interested in always thinking I'd give you an opportunity to learn whatever you wanted.  Something I didn't get to have growing up.  All that time I thought I was being supportive!  And then you tell me that you feel like I didn't support you?  I do my best -- gosh it's so hard to be a parent!"

The Cherry Tree Story

Once upon a time I swallowed a cherry pit.  Worried, I went to Mama Lai and told her what happened in case she needed to take me to see a doctor.  Then my uncle, Mama Lai's brother took me onto his lap and said:

"Little [Niece], there's nothing we can do about it.  But don't worry it won't hurt you.  It will just sit in your stomach and then one day it will sprout.  And then become a cherry tree in your stomach.  And as you get bigger, the tree will get bigger and the branches will come out of your ears and your mouth until you will no longer be you but a really big cherry tree.  And then [Mama Lai] will have as many cherries as she wants."

And then I burst out crying and then Mama Lai laughed .  Mama Lai likes to re-tell it and say:

"Hahaha.  You were such a dumb kid.  You would believe anything your uncle would tell you."

 

Big Teeth

Mama Lai would sometimes tip my chin and peer into my mouth and suggest:

"You have big teeth like me.  Maybe you should go to Asia and find how much it cost to get them shaved down."

I would refuse to consider such a thing, then Mama Lai would sigh and say:

"Well then you should stop opening your mouth so big.  That way people can't see how big your teeth are." 

"Good for Wendi"

Mama Lai said she would do the same thing for Papa Lai that Wendi did for her husband Rupert Murdoch if someone tried to throw a shaving cream pie at him:

"Good for her!  Why a wife should stand there and see somebody throw a pie at her husband.  If I had a chance, I would do the same!  Go see the video, you must say that Wendi is really quick!"

Papa Lai's Culinary Skills

Me, Papa Lai and the Little Prince all share an intense love of Nong Shim Ramyun Instant Noodles (Seafood Flavor).  Healthy, I know.  Our household has never been big on cooking, but Papa Lai has always been the most "creative" one when it comes to making up recipes and they usually involve Shim Ramyun:

"You have a final tomorrow?  You should pick up some canned tuna from Costco.  Fish makes you smart.  Do you know what it would taste good in?  Put it in with your Korean noodles"

or

"Guess what I did with yesterday's chicken curry?  I put it in with my Korean noodles for breakfast this morning.  So good!"

Men Don't Want Giants

I'm taller than Papa Lai by nearly four inches.  And like Mama Lai, he is not a fan of my collection of high heel shoes:

"You're not exactly a tiny girl.  When you wear shoes like that, you may not be taller than guys, but you will make it feel like you tower over them.  Men want girls, not giants."

Lies and Friends

When Duckie and I were growing up, Duckie's friends were always much more amiable and polite to Mama Lai than my own.  Looking back, I think it was really because my friends tended to more shy and introverted than Duckie's circle of friends.  But at the time, Mama Lai saw it like this:

"Your friends always seem to be afraid or suspicious of me.  I know why!  You have been telling bad things, lies, about me to your friends."

Handsome Pharmacists

In one of the shopping centers Mama Lai frequents, Mama Lai discovered that a pharmacy was being opened by this young Vietnamese pharmacist.  Mama Lai fondly recounted this chance meeting:

"He had no hair, but he was such a handsome pharmacist.  I don't think I've ever seen such a handsome pharmacist.  You go get your medicine and it's never anyone good looking.  That is a good business model."

Happy Toes

Mama Lai and I were in the ktichen talking on one of my last nights home.  She said that once I was gone she would treat herself to a pedicure:

"You know I don't care so much about my fingers.  They are old fingers, but when I look down I like to see my pretty painted toes looking back at me.  That makes me feel really good."

Foreigners

I had spent some extensive time in China and called Mama Lai to complain about some misunderstanding at the local market because I couldn't speak the local dialect and had no idea what the cashier was telling me.  Mama Lai was less than sympathetic:

"I don't feel sorry for you.  I was once foreigner here [U.S.].  Now you know how it feels!"

Measure of Success

Hoping to further encourage me in my recent weight-loss, Mama Lai said:

"If you could get under 140 pounds and stay there, Mommy will consider you to be successful.  No matter if you get fired from your job or lose all your friends or get kicked out of your apartment.  You will be successful in my eyes."

A Corrected Version for Why We Diet

From time to time, Mama Lai will check what I post on the blog to make sure I'm not misquoting her or jeopardizing my chances for marriage.  Mama Lai thinks sometimes I give the wrong impression or misunderstand her drive to get me to lose weight:

"You think your journey for weight loss ends when you get married?  No such thing!  This is a lifetime thing, a lifestyle thing.  Yes, you have to look good to find someone good, but you want to be healthy for the rest of your life!  There is no letting yourself go when you get married!  Besides, that is dishonest."

Outside Furniture Inside

Mama Lai and Papa Lai bicker as old married couples do.  One day, on a whim, Papa Lai went and bought a patio chair.  Only, instead of putting it on their patio, Papa Lai decided that it should be the office chair for the family computer.  Papa Lai wanted Mama Lai's opinion, which he almost regretted upon asking:

"That is a patio chair.  It is an outside chair inside my house!  It is a chair meant to be sitting comfortable outside."

Papa Lai countered:

"That is why I bought it!  It is comfortable.  Why can I only be comfortable outside?  I want to be comfortable inside too!"

 

Capacity for Love

After reading in the newspaper that a woman may have microwaved her newborn, Mama Lai said:

"You know you don't know how much you can love someone until you have children. But human beings are maybe not meant to know everything.  There are some things that some people are not meant to experience."

Uncle Says Out of Time

One of my uncles from Mama Lai's side of the family accompanied me to the airport and spent our 2 hour long car ride puzzling over why my generation seemed to reluctant to get married (his son, my cousin, who is my age has yet to propose to his girlfriend prolonging my uncle's fervent wait to have grandchildren from his only son).  Reminding me of my age, my chatty uncle said:

"You know if you wait until your 40 years old to get married, you might as well not marry.  There's no point.  You might as well just enjoy the rest of your life because any of the benefits of marriage will no longer exist.  YOU ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME."

Dieting Visualiziation Technique

Mama Lai challenged me to take a big bite of food and then spit it out. Mama Lai said:

"Memorize what that looks like.  Nowadays, they make food too pretty.  Think about that.  That's how food looks when it gets into your stomach.  Gross yourself out."

A Pound of Tears

Under the Mama Lai diet regimen I've lost over 15 pounds.  Before I move out, Mama Lai cautioned me:

"For every pound you gain back, I will shed ten big tears.  Think about that before every bite of food you take."

Thongs

For most of Mama Lai's adult life, she had only worn one kind of underwear, the very conservative and functional sort and always in solid colors.  When her two daughters went away to school, the holiday laundry became filled with all sorts of underwear of all shapes, sizes, cuts and colors and prints.  The thong was what captured Mama Lai's curiosity and thought the design was cleverly economical and would be perfect for a hot summer day.  After various consultations with Duckie about material and where to find, Mama Lai went and bought her very first thong.

When she got home, Mama Lai put it on and got as far as the hallway and yelped:

"What!  What is this!  You can feel it!  No.  No, I don't think so."

And that was the last time Mama Lai ever came near a thong.   And whenever she comes across one in the store or in her children's laundry, she shakes her head in disbelief that women, especially her two daughters, would wear something so uncomfortable.

Taking the Blame

The Little Prince (aka my brother) had to get dressed for an interview, but Mama Lai discovered that all of his slacks at home were too small.  Dismayed and upset, Mama Lai rushed into my room and with her hands on her hips, exclaimed:

"My whole family is too fat!  It's all your fault!  It started from you!!!"

Book of Signals

When I was in my late twenties, Mama Lai was distraught that her eldest daughter did not have a serious boyfriend:

"Are you giving the right signals?  You can be very cold.  Boys need encouragement.  You have to give them hints to encourage them."

I asked Mama Lai what signals she was talking about.  Mama Lai looked at me with exasperation:

"I don't know!  You like to read books.  They make books about everything.  There must be a book about signals and then you should read it." 

Awkward Teenage Moment

When I was a teenager I was moody and repellent and lived by an unarticulated rule of one-word utterances when absolutely necessary.  I was shy and very religious so I rarely spoke about boys.  Duckie was the opposite and was very chatty about her crushes and the boys she was interested in even though she was a fews younger than me.

The contrast between me and Duckie and my silence on the matter began to bother Mama Lai and one day felt like she should reach out to her sullen teenage daughter.  She picked me up from basketball practice and instead of driving home, drove me to a parking lot of a nearby park.  Mama Lai confronted me and said:

"Are you gay?  How come you don't talk about boys?  You know mommy and daddy would love you no matter what right?"

80% Rule

When I'm at home, Mama Lai is a hawk carefully monitoring not only what I consume, but how much I consume.  She has a "ba fen bao" rule (in English it's 80% full).  This is how Mama Lai measures my 80%:

Mama Lai fills my bowl with something healthy, watches me and before I finish she will ask:

 "Are you full?" 

I will shake my head no and as I reach for another helping Mama Lai will take my food away and say:

"Perfect!  That means you're 80% full and it's time to stop eating!"

The One and Only

When I was getting ready to go meet friends, Mama Lai criticized my choice in wardrobe as "unflattering"and asked me to change.  I got upset and left in a huff.  I later apologized for losing my temper and expressed that what she said made me feel bad.  


Mama Lai kissed me on the forehead, told me she loved me and said:

"What can you do?  I am your only mommy!"

Hot Mama

I recently went shopping with Mama Lai and fell for some sparkly four-inch stilettos and some thigh high stiletto boots.  Mama Lai has a bias against my wearing heels.  But our recent shopping outing may have inspired Mama Lai because she just came home with a pair of platform sandals (with leopard print accent) that adds just about 1-inch to Mama Lai's stature.

And since she's worn flats all her life, Mama Lai marched up and down the kitchen in the her new shoes fearing that they are too tall and awkward.  Duckie encouraged her to "throw some hips into it" as a way to make high-heeled wearing a little more comfortable.

Mama Lai did just that and swung her hips and was delighted with the results.  Mama Lai turned and smiled and declared:

"Look at me!  Are you ready for hot mama?"

Dating History

Sometimes when Mama Lai can't sleep, she would steal into my bedroom, sit on my bed and ask me for "the juicy gossip happening in [my] life".   One night, I turned the tables and asked her for some juicy secrets from her life, maybe some details about an old boyfriend, pre-Papa Lai.  


Mama Lai sighed:

"My dating life is like yours...nothing much to say."

Sold!

Mama Lai sometimes can't find things and her razor sharp attention becomes fully devoted on honing in on the item.  Her ducklings will watch Mama Lai whisk through one room after the next in a tornado-like frenzy and one of us will lazily ask "Whatcha looking for?"

And without missing a beat, and without regard to the sought for item, Mama Lai will always say:

"I am looking for a way to sell my children."

Birthday Cake

I had two birthday cakes - a strawberry shortcake a friend dropped off and a tiramisu cake Mama Lai bought for me.  Under Mama Lai's watchful eye, I was allowed to have one slice of each cake, one on my birthday, the second slice the day after.

Not even a week later, I noticed that most of the cake was gone!  The culprit?  Mama Lai, of course:

"Yes, the yummies are in my tummy.  They are both very good.  Now you know who really gets to celebrate your birthday!"

Day of Birth

On my birthday, Mama Lai likes to call and text message me starting the night before to tell me where she was at in labor and remind me of the pain I put her through.  Just as we were reaching the hour I was born, I asked Mama Lai and Papa Lai what their first thoughts were when I finally popped out.  Papa Lai said:

"That I could finally eat.  I was starving."

Find My Daughter a Husband Challenge

Someone told Mama Lai that I had a lot of friends of Facebook.  Mama Lai mocked me:

"Oh you have sooooo many friends.  How come none of them find you a husband??  They aren't really your friends!"

I sighed and maybe mumbled something about my friends don't have to do things for me.  Mama Lai sat down next to me and said:

"How about this?  You tell your friends to find you a husband and if they are successful, I will go to wherever they are, ring their doorbell and thank them in person."

 

Joy of Weight-loss

After some stern scolding from my doctor, I finally decided to buckle down and adapt to a healthier lifestyle that incorporates fitness and a disciplined diet.  I've managed to lose 12 pounds and Mama Lai was overjoyed.  She took my hand in hers and Mama Lai said:

"You know every night I would think of you and your weight.  And it would make me so miserable that sometimes I could not sleep.  I am so proud of you!  Don't stop until you weigh what you weighed in high school.  And then don't gain it back, not even after you get married."

Frozen Desserts

When I was growing up, whenever there was a special occasion or Mama Lai felt celebratory, Mama Lai would go to the frozen desserts section from the grocery store and buy a Vienetta cake.  Then one day, tiramisu became en vogue and they stopped selling Vienetta (except at KFC) and Mama Lai fell in love with the frozen tiramisu cakes at Costco.  And all the fancy cafes and bakeries with freshly made tiramisu could not persuade her that Costco did not have the most delicious tiramisu.  But one day, Costco stopped carrying their frozen tiramisu and Mama Lai stopped eating tiramisu.

It was my birthday recently and Mama Lai thought she would treat herself to a tiramisu cake (in our family, the kids don't just celebrate, the hard working parents that brought us into this world and raised us also get to celebrate).  Mama Lai took a bite of the pretty and fresh tiramisu and said:

"Do you think if we froze this cake that it would taste as good as one that they used to have in Costco?"

Conception

On my birthday, I was in the car with Mama Lai and Papa Lai, running errands, when Papa Lai turned to me, grinned and asked:

"Daughter...would you like us to show you where you were conceived?"

"Ewww, no." I said, disgusted and then Mama Lai chimed in, laughing:

 "Yeah, you are old enough to know where babies come from.  We don't have to have a conversation about the birds and the bees with you, do we?"

The two howled in laughter at their own joke.  And I cannot believe that after three decades of life, Mama Lai and Papa Lai still know how to make me feel humiliated even when no one else is around!

Ageism

I've been making some progress on a new diet and Mama Lai was very excited.  Mama Lai said:

"You are doing so good!  Look you only have a few years left!  When you turn 35, you might as well be 40.  It's all the same after 35."

The Power of Tom Selleck

I recently interrupted Mama Lai while she was watching "Jesse Stone: Innocents Lost".  Mama Lai complained:

"It's so slow.  Sometimes boring.  And it's all very depressing..."

As Mama Lai got deep into her complaining, I suggested that she watch something else.

"No.  I have to watch.  He's Tom Selleck.  He is...Magnum P.I." 

 

Marriage Solves All

I was lamenting to Mama Lai that when I move I might not see some of my friends for a very long time and how much I will miss them.  Mama Lai said:

"That is life.  You move on with your life and then a year passes, then maybe two year passes.  Then many years pass and then you have not spoken to them.  Maybe you forget their name, and then you don't recognize what you look like.  And then you start to even forget the memory.  Ugh.  Getting old is a terrible thing."

Then registering my look of sadness, Mama Lai tried to console me:

"It's ok my beautiful daughter.  You will lose 20 pounds, find a good husband and lead good life." 

Happiest Place on Earth

When Duckie was three years old and I was nearly six, Mama Lai and Papa Lai took us on a trip to Disneyland Resorts in Anaheim, CA.  That was a memorable trip for both me and Duckie, but when Mama Lai recalls that family vacation, this is what she remembers:

"Yah, we spent so much money bringing whole family to Disneyland.  Then on our way out of Disneyland we stop by McDonald's and you and your sister were even happier at the playground at McDonald's.  So excited, in a better mood!  We even took picture because everyone was so happy.  We stayed at McDonald's for over 2 hours.  Why we drive so far?  We have McDonald's down the street from us!"

Birthday Gift

My birthday is next week and Mama Lai said:

"Oh it's a special day!  We can do anything you want!  What do you want to do for your birthday, my girl?"

And I brightly responded:  "Anything???"

And Mama Lai smiled and said:

"Anything that doesn't involve eating.  How about we fast for your birthday?  That will be my gift to you - no eating on your birthday!"

Then Mama Lai walked out of the room, humming a  little song and raising the roof.  

 

Bake Off

Once upon a time, I really enjoyed baking.  I would make cakes, cookies and bread from scratch.  When I went home for the holidays, I tried to convince Mama Lai to let me bake something for our extended family.  But Mama Lai didn't like the idea of me being near butter or sugar and forbade me from purchasing such goods.  I tried to convince Mama Lai that baking makes me a better prospect for marriage. Mama Lai said:

"You know what would make you even more attractive?  You don't make something delicious, but you become something delicious by losing 30 or 40 pounds."

Stripper Fitness

Mama Lai went to a class reunion and was very impressed with the energy and youthfulness of one of her former classmates.  Part of this classmate's fitness routine included pole dancing and Mama Lai forwarded me information about some pole dancing classes in my area.  Surprised that conservative Mama Lai would make such a suggestion and asked Mama Lai if she knew what pole dancing was.

Mama Lai answered:

"You're not getting any younger.  So whatever it takes."

No Smoking

When I was a teenager, Mama Lai and I were in the midst of a heated discussion.  I exclaimed "What are you smoking?!"  Mama Lai put her hands on her hips and said:

"I don't smoke."

Career Change

Mama Lai looked me over with a critical eye and decided that the dress I was wearing did not suit me:

"It highlights all of your disadvantages.  It exposes too much of you -- you need a dress that hides more skin."

And as Mama Lai got more into the reasoning of why I should never wear this dress again, she became more and more delighted and carried away.  Then she had a "eureka" moment:

"I should become a fashion consultant.  I would be so good at it.  This looks BAD ON YOU.  This looks HIDEOUS.  That would be the best job ever!"

The Little Prince, overhearing this exchange, cleared his throat and simply said "NO, I don't think so."

Mama Lai smiled and said:

"Then guess what, sir?  You will be my first guinea pig!" 

 

Papa Lai's Joke

On a family hiking trip, we came upon the topic of reincarnation and Papa Lai wanted to share a joke about reincarnation with me.  Papa Lai said there was an old married couple who was having the same discussion about what they wanted to be reincarnated as:

The old husband told his wife "I don't care what I come back as, I just want to be able to have sex all the time."  The wife rolled her eyes.

Then one day the husband passed away, leaving his wife a widow.  Then one day, the husband came back to his wife in the middle of the night as a ghost.  "Death is not so bad."  Rubbing it in, he told her "I've been reincarnated and now I get to have sex all the time.  I have sex when I wake up in the morning.  I have sex after breakfast.  Then I eat lunch and then have sex all afternoon."

I tried to ignore the quizzical and judgmental looks of some middle aged woman who passed us on the trail who no doubt was listening to our very bizarre conversation.

And the husband told the wife that he came back to this world in a zoo.  He back as a...

Then Papa Lai started chuckling and asked me if I could guess.  I couldn't guess and he said:

He came back as a rabbit!!  Hahaha.  This joke is so funny.  You should tell all your friends.

So, friends, that was the joke Papa Lai asked me to share with all of you.  

Sun Protection

Mama Lai has been warning Duckie and I about the harmful effects of UV rays ever since I can remember.  Even in 100 degree weather, Mama Lai will wear long sleeves in the car to protect her arms from the sun.

But Mama Lai took her sun protection wardrobe one step further when Duckie and me were driving her around town and we turned to the back seat to see Mama Lai decked out in this:

Terrorists' Gift to TV

Mama Lai loves to watch television shows like NCIS, CSI, and LAW & ORDER.  After watching an evening of these TV shows with storylines about terrorism, Mama Lai said:

"Well if there was a good thing to come out of terrorism it would be that it gave a group of mean looking and unattractive actors jobs in Hollywood."

Papa Lai likes Quack

Papa Lai sent Duckie (my sister) and me a photo of a cute little stuffed animal duck that he bought in a gift store.  Papa Lai told us that he was gifting the adorable duck to my cousin's 10 year old daughter.  Duckie called me to rant that Papa Lai did not consider gifting her the duck since she's famously known for loving all things duck.

Papa Lai found out that Duckie was upset, and he winked at me and asked with a gleeful grin:

"How mad did I make her?  How loud did she quack?"

Setting an Example

When I return home for the holidays, Mama Lai puts the Lai household on a food lockdown and exercise regimen.  In my most return home, I lost 8 lbs in 11 days.  But I'm not the only one endures the pain and receives the benefit of such restraint.  Mama Lai said:

"You know when you're not home, every Wednesday and Friday I bring home yummy things to eat.  And now I run to the store and look at my yummies and say if I brought this home, what kind of example would I set for my daughter?  You suffer and I suffer with you!   We can do this together!"

Happy Mama's Day and thanks for tuning into this blog!  Please be good to your mamas -- you owe her your life!!

If I Won the Lottery...

Mama Lai was folding laundry when she turned to me and asked:

"You know if I won the lottery, you know what I would buy?"

I pondered the possibilities.  A new car?  A luxury vacation?  New TV with surround sound?

And my dear Mama Lai's answer?  Mama Lai sighed and said:

"I would buy a house where I could control the temperature and humidity so I could walk around the whole house naked at all times." 

Man's Underwear

Once I came home and Mama Lai combined my laundry with the family laundry.  When I got home, Mama Lai confronted me:

"Why do you have man's underwear in you clothes??!"

I may have been just as surprised, but as she waved the evidence in front of me, I laughed:

"Isn't that dad's underwear?  Didn't you do my laundry with yours?" 

Mama Lai looked at the underwear in her hands and in realizing her mistake said:

"You do your own laundry from now on."

"The Voice"

Mama Lai loves singing competition shows on television and made herself available to tune-in to the newest show this season, "The Voice".  As she watched the contestants take their turns in stage, she scoffed:

"These people talk about how it's their big shot and then they get on stage dressed like they just walked out of their house.  You would think they would go, spend a little money and put on something nice.  Even I know better."

My Favorite Foods

A friend and I went to visit Mama Lai and Papa Lai for a weekend.  The first night we were there, Mama Lai asked my friend what he usually likes to eat for breakfast, brainstorming the menu of items she would make for him the next morning.  When she started to leave without asking for my input, I pouted about not getting any of my favorite foods cooked for me.  Mama Lai turned around and said:

"I already know what you like to eat."

Mama Lai paused, smiled and winked at my friend:

"My daughter likes to eat very little."

Welcome Home

A three day weekend was coming up and I felt homesick so I called Mama Lai to see if I could fly home for  a quick visit.  Mama Lai thought it was a great idea if I could get the extra day off.  Then Mama Lai added:

"You would be even more welcome home if you came back skinny."

Hide and Go Seek

In anticipation of my visit home, Mama Lai wanted to know the specific time and date of my arrival.  I asked her what the deal was and Mama Lai said:

"I'm just looking to see what food I have to clear out of the refrigerator before you get home. And I have to hide the good stuff so you don't get to it."

Chinese Online Dating

When I lived in China, Mama Lai made a call to me long distance and started in on a laundry list of questions.  The examples include:

"1.  You prefer living in the city?, 2.  Do you like to karaoke?, 3.  Do you prefer Chinese or Western food?"

Finding it strange that Mama Lai was making a long-distance call to ask such mundane questions, I asked her what was up.

"Oh on Chinese television they did a feature on this dating website.  So I'm just checking it out and making a profile for you." 

Archie Kao

Mama Lai is a big fan of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and an especially big fan of the actor, Archie Kao (who plays a character named Archie Johnson in the series).  I made the mistake of mentioning to Mama Lai that my boss was friends with Archie and when my birthday rolled around Mama Lai said that I should "request Archie Kao" for my birthday and get a photo taken with him.  When I refused to make the ask, Mama Lai huffed:

"Your birthday should be my celebration too.  You had it easy when you were born -- I did all the work!  You have been in LA for years and you have not taken photos with any famous people.  Archie is very handsome and I would like to see you in a photo with him."

Phone Protocol

I called Mama Lai with some information she had been waiting for, but I caught her at a bad time and she told me she would call me back in an hour.  An hour turned into half a day then I finally called Mama Lai again.  Mama Lai took me to task for not calling her again until the end of today.  And when I pointed out that she was the one who owed me a phone call, Mama Lai said:

"And you didn't think that maybe when I didn't call you back in an hour that maybe something happened to me?  You waited hours!  I could've been lying on the road somewhere."

I pointed out that she seemed to be fine and Mama Lai confessed that the reason she doesn't call her three ducklings:

"Suppose you don't pick up your phone or were too busy to talk to me?  I don't like rejection."

 

 

Meeting the Roommate

Mama Lai and Papa Lai came down to visit me and had an opportunity to meet my roommate.  My roommate was born in Beijing, but raised in the U.S.

When they arrived, my roommate greeted Mama Lai and Papa Lai enthusiastically in Chinese with  “您好！” and proceeded to carry on a conversation with them in Chinese.  But Papa Lai's English is better than his Chinese and when his responses in English did nothing to dissuade her from using Chinese, Papa Lai said:

"You know we speak and understand English.  You don't have to speak to us in Chinese."

Mama Lai interjected:

"Oh [Papa Lai] she is trying to make a good impression by showing off her language skills.  Probably practicing all week!"

And then turning to my roommate she said:

"And we are very impressed.  Good job.  You are so Beijing." 

 

Mama Lai in Love

Mama Lai believes I have a problem expressing myself to boys and was trying to give me tips.  Papa Lai interrupted:

 "It was so obvious that your mother had a crush on me."

Mama Lai denied it.  I asked Papa Lai what the tell-tale sign was and he said:

"I was one of the few men in our graduate college circle who had a car so I would pick up the girls.  And your mom would always want to sit up front next to me."

Mama Lai sighed:

"I was such a bimbo." 

Fattie

Mama Lai came to visit me post-graduate school and was relieved to see that I had shed quite a few pounds.  Mama Lai was quite emotional about it:

"When you came home from school you came home a fattie.  And when I saw you I thought 'who is this girl, what did you do with my beautiful daughter'?  It was as if you had eaten yourself."

Our Husband Strategy

Mama Lai and I were in the kitchen preparing food when she suddenly declared:

"We need a change in strategy!"

Bewildered, I cautiously asked her what she was referring to.  Mama Lai said:

"Obviously the approach we've taken is not working for you.  We have to do something different so you can attract these men.  When you come home to visit we'll work on a plan together." 

Papa Lai is Fashion Police

Mama and Papa Lai came to visit me.  During dinner the two started a discussion on why I was not married.  Mama Lai insisted it was because I was too heavy.  Papa Lai disagreed and claimed I looked fine just the way I was and just when I was about to give him a hug for defending my honor he added:

"Her problem is not her weight.  It's how she dresses.  She wears clothes like a middle aged woman who works at Wal-Mart."

Papa Lai motioned for me to stand in front of him.  He stroked his chin and looked me over:

"I recommend that when you make a little more money that you hire a fashion consultant." 

matchsocks.com

For some reason, I'm really good at losing socks when I do laundry and I have a bag filled with socks with an un-located partner.  Mama Lai was sitting on the floor of my bedroom sorting these socks and said:

"When I look at these socks it makes me think that they are just like my daughter.  A perfectly good sock, that still has its shape and still has some quality, but still single.  You need match.com and these socks need matchsocks.com."

Girlfriend Competition

Papa Lai finally convinced Mama Lai to get a GPS and it's his new favorite toy.  Papa Lai carries it around and likes to play with it even when he's in the house.  As we heard the female GPS voice float through the house, Mama Lai rolled her eyes:

"It's his new girlfriend.  Always carrying it around and obsessed with keeping it charged.  Sick of hearing it talk.  How do I compete?"

I comforted her "He'll get tired of her.  GPS girlfriend has nothing on you!"  Mama Lai shook her head and sighed:

"Her English is better than mine."

Red Lipstick Hussy

Mama Lai came across a photo of me sporting red lipstick and Mama Lai clearly disapproved:

"Do you now own red lipstick?  I see from your pictures you are wearing red lipstick.  And I'm not saying you look bad, but when you wear less flashy colors and have make up on you look like you can be an ambassador's wife, but with the red, you don't look like the marrying kind."

Silverware Snob

I once took Mama Lai to eat at BCD Tofu House, a Korean soon tofu restaurant.  BCD Tofu House serves their rice in metal bowls and provides patrons with metal chopsticks.  Mama Lai admonishes me:

"Why did you take me a restaurant where they can't afford real silverware and chopsticks?  This is what people use to eat when they are in poverty.  This is a restaurant where I pay to eat!"

Papa Lai and Gangsters

Papa Lai had sent me an e-mail about the UCLA girl criticizing Asians so I sent him this video thinking he'd be entertained.  Papa Lai watched it and sent me this reply:

"He's too gangster for me."

No ID Necessary

Mama Lai called Duckie (my younger sister) as she was dashing back to her apartment to grab her ID before a night out with friends.  Confused Mama Lai asked:

"Why you need ID?  Are you going to do something....X-rated?"

Mating Signals

One day when we're on the phone, Mama Lai asked me:

"Are you giving men signals?"

 "What are you talking about?"

Mama Lai blurted out:

"Men need encouragement.  You are very intimidating.  You always have a mean expression on your face.  That will scare men away."

I feebly protested that I don't think anyone is scared of me, but Mama Lai insisted:

"You can look like a bitch sometimes.  You have to seem more..."

Mama Lai seemed to be searching for the right word and then she caught it:

"Inviting.  Open for business." 

 

Communicating with Papa Lai

The other day, I called Mama Lai's mobile phone and Papa Lai picked up.  Papa Lai enthusiastically said:

"Talk to me!"

So I started in on my day and he quickly became bored and interrupted:

"Actually, why don't you talk to your mother.  I will get the summary from her later.  Or, why don't you e-mail me?" 

Disappointment and Heartache

One evening, I felt inadequate of Mama Lai's love and I apologized to her for never getting a PhD, not becoming a doctor or lawyer, never learning to play piano, getting average grades in school, and not getting her the Cadillac I promised.  Mama Lai patted me on the head and said:

"You know, it's ok?  You turned out to be a good kid.  All my children are good kids.  You are not disappointing to me.  We only hope for the best, want our kids lives to be easier."

And as she kept looking at me, she changed her mind:

"Well maybe the only heartache you give me is your weight." 

Korean Men

I told Mama Lai one of my friends was going to set me up with Korean.  Mama Lai paused:

"I don't think Koreans like Chinese people.  I try to be friendly to them and they treat me like I have a disease."

And then she added:

"You know in those Korean dramas we like to watch, Korean husbands are abusive to their wives." 

In the Land of Men

I haven't lived anywhere near Mama Lai and Papa Lai for the past 14 years.  In passing, I mentioned to Mama Lai that one of my friends in San Francisco suggested I move to the Bay Area, which would bring me closer than I have ever been to them.  Mama Lai thought about it and that she thought it was a great idea.  I teased Mama Lai:

"I didn't realize you missed me so much and want me to move closer."

Mama Lai said:

"Not really.  But there's more men in San Francisco.  That can only be a good thing for you."

The Gift of Song

I like to sing along to the radio especially when I drive.  After one such session with Mama Lai in the car, I lamented that Mama Lai did not bless me with the gift of song.  Mama Lai remembered:

"When you were five or six and started to go to church, they would lead everyone in song.  You didn't know how to sing, but you would get so into the music that you would just shout the words at the top of your voice.  And the Sunday school teachers didn't know what to do.  You weren't singing, but you did it with such enthusiasm."

And then she paused and laughed at me:

"And some things always stay the same." 

Danger to Society

I admit that I was a handful as an adolescent and went through a miserable period filled with angst, anxiety and insolence.  I often apologize to Mama Lai and Papa Lai for my poor behavior.  Once, Mama Lai said:

"There was a time I thought the only way that you should be allowed outside our house was inside a locked tower in a castle.  Thank goodness you matured and it didn't' come to that."

Taken Seriously

After I had lasik surgery and finally could stop wearing contacts and glasses, Mama Lai indicated to me that out of all my Facebook profile pictures, she liked the one of me wearing glasses the most:

"I just don't think anyone can take you seriously without glasses on.  With glasses, you look like you think about things.  Someone who has important thoughts.  Maybe people would mistake you for being a professor."

I joked that now that I have near perfect vision, I'll never be taken seriously again.  Mama Lai wouldn't have it:

"I found your old frames and I'm going to send them to you and you're going to find someone to put in fake lenses.  You can't go through life always being silly." 

Revenge by Grandchildren

It's no secret that Papa Lai wants grandchildren, but Mama Lai always staunchly denies that she pressures me or any of her ducklings to have kids:

"You guys are adults.  You make your own decisions.  If I want you to have kids, it's only because I want revenge for everything that you put me through."

The Fonz

When I was in elementary school, I watched a lot of television.  One of my favorite shows was "Happy Days" and I developed a crush on Henry Wrinkler's character "The Fonz".  One night, I dreamt that The Fonz whisked me away on his ultra-cool motorcycle and gave me a peck on my lips at sunset.  Wracked with Christian guilt, I ran to Mama Lai's room in tears.

Mama Lai, groggy from sleep, listened to my teary confession and laughed:

"You woke me up for this?  Go back to sleep.  He's too old for you."

Like Dating, Like Painting

Mama Lai believes I obsess over the wrong things when it comes to boys:

"You young people romanticize finding someone to settle down with.  Finding your match is like looking at a painting. Fine, you can fuss about the color, subject of the painting.  Sure, that side of the painting is always beautiful and there will be many angles you can see that painting.  But every painting has an ugly backside."

How to Find a Good Husband

Mama Lai told me that finding a good husband was more important than having a good career.  I pondered out loud:  "How do I find a good husband?".  And Mama Lai had this answer for me:

"You lose weight.  And a good husband will come find you."

Marriage Prospects

When I was first making plans to move to China after graduation, Mama Lai and Papa Lai were not thrilled.   There were many intense discussions about my plans and future.  In the middle of a heated argument, Mama Lai challenged me:

"Who will marry you in China?  You are independent American girl.  Chinese boys are different from American boys.  They will not accept that."

And I retorted:

"Who will marry me here???!"   

This gave Mama Lai a moment to pause and then she conceded (sort of):

"Very good point.  No one will marry you until you lose weight.  Now listen to your mommy and start taking better care of yourself." 

You are What You Eat

Mama Lai logged onto Facebook and saw something on my Wall that she didn't like:

"I see that  you're going with your friend to...eat Korean BBQ.  GIRLS ON DIETS DON'T EAT KOREAN BBQ!!!"

Taking my silence as disagreement:

"Fine don't listen to me.  But you might as well drive to the supermarket right now and buy a few flanks of steak and glue it on your tummy because that's what will happen to you if you go eat Korean BBQ." 

Papa Lai Wants to Adopt

Papa Lai sent his ducklings this video of a laughing baby:

"This baby is so cute. I want to adopt him.  His laugh chases away all the dark clouds and gloom."

And Duckie responded:

"I laugh, isn't that enough?" 

Beware of Cookies

I told Mama Lai that a friend was very sweet to me and bought me a pack of cookies.  Mama Lai said:

"That girl is not your friend."

Confused, I asked "What do you mean?  You haven't even met her!"

"I don't need to meet her.  You don't need to eat cookies.  She is not looking out for you.  Trust me.  I am your mother.  If she is feeding you cookies, she doesn't have your best interest at heart." 

Saving Money

My cousin who immigrated from China sought Papa Lai's advice on some ways to save money.  To Mama Lai's horror, she overheard Papa Lai telling my cousin how he saves money on dental floss:

"You can use dental floss more than once by washing it and then hanging it to dry on the towel rack."

My Future Doesn't Hold Cats

Mama Lai hasn't always agreed with the choices I've made in my life and expresses her concern at every turn:

"I worry that you chose a very hard path that is very risky.  Maybe you will be very poor. With no money.  You will be in poor health. And that you will have regrets.  And you will be alone..."

And I joked "are you afraid that I will be a spinster on welfare living with a bunch of cats?"

"That's silly.  You're allergic to cats.  I'm being serious.  Why would you want to live with cats?" 

Parenting at a Loss

The other day the Little Prince (my brother) made the unfortunate mistake of calling Mama Lai while she watching a TV program featuring proteges.  Without waiting to hear what the Little Prince was calling for, she grumbled:

"There is a boy who at age six sold a beautiful painting for $265,000.  Where did I go wrong??"

The Little Prince ignored Mama Lai and complained that he was hungry and had nothing to eat.  When I called Mama Lai, she was quite agitated over the Little Prince's lack in concern and sighed:

"I've parented three children...I'm parenting at a loss of $265,000 per child!" 

On Meeting You

Readers of the blog have sent me messages saying they would like to one day meet Mama Lai.  I conveyed the same to her, and Mama Lai laughed:

"Those poor people.  I have no interest in meeting any of them."

Get a Life!

When the site My Mom is a Fob launched, I forwarded it to Mama Lai thinking she would get a kick out of it.  Mama Lai was less than thrilled with such a site:

"People read this site?  This is kind of a racism?  I am American mom, I don't want people thinking I'm funny because I'm a fob!  Really, you guys think it's funny because there is a misunderstanding between generations and culture."

I thought maybe Mama Lai didn't get the gist of the site and was taking it too seriously so I sent her some specific links to some anecdotes that she would find funny, but she refused:

"I have a life you know?  I don't have time for this.  Maybe you should think about getting a life too!" 

Facebook Stalker

One of Mama Lai's proudest achievements is that her three ducklings call her without asking.  I tend to be the most delinquent of the three, skipping a day here or there each month.  Mama Lai never, ever calls me even when I leave a message for her to call me back.  But sometimes when she hasn't heard from me for a day, curiosity gets the best of her:

"So I sign into Facebook to see what you're up to and see if you're still alive."

The Meaning of Life

Mama Lai had a philosophical moment the other week and wanted to talk about the meaning of life:

"If you think about it, our human lives are really stupid.  So you have to decide for yourself what gives your life meaning.  That's what growing up is about."

Then I asked Mama Lai what gave her life meaning and she replied without hesitation:

"I live my life for my three kids."

And then she paused and laughed:

"See, I told you our human lives are really stupid." 

Gender Mistake

Mama Lai used to dress me as boy in my male cousins' hand-me-downs and kept my hair very short.  Now that I am adult, she expresses some regret in doing this:

"I thought you were such a beautiful baby, people could always tell you were a girl so I didn't think it mattered.  But now I think maybe it affected your development.  You're not very girly." 

Soulmates

I once asked Mama Lai if she believed each person had a "soulmate" and she responded:

"Yes, but only 5% of the human race ever gets to be that lucky.  The rest of us just have to find someone we get along with and respect and gets along with and respects you.  Come to think of it, our human lives are really stupid.  So if you want to be foolish and wait and look for the one, before you know it, your life will have passed you by and you will be dead."

Human Anatomy Lesson

When I was in middle school, I was a little freaked out by puberty and insecure about my boobs (I didn't want them).  I'm not sure what Mama Lai intended by telling me this, but to this day, my masters in science holding Mama Lai stands by it:

"They will grow bigger when boys touch them."

"Why You're Not Married"

I sent Mama Lai Tracy McMillan's Huffington Post blog entry "Why You're Not Married".  And Mama Lai called me to say:

"She really does have a point.  But I really don't think she needed  to use all those sweaer words.  Very unnecessary." 

Essence of Duckie

My sister (Duckie) sent Mama Lai some photos of her first ice skating outing. The rest of us were impressed with Duckie's agility, but Mama Lai had different expectations:

"Where is the falling down pictures?  Those pictures you sent did not catch the essences of ice skating of [Duckie]."

America, the Land of Tolerance and Acceptance

Mama Lai called me a few weeks before a business trip to China to implore me to shed 10 lbs:

"Americans are very tolerant and accepting.  You a little overweight, but you dress nice and put on a little make-up, they will call you beautiful and forgive you.  But China is not the same as America.  They look at you and will think you are a person lazy, with no accomplishment."

Papa Lai and the Mama Lai Blog

Papa Lai and Mama Lai had a dispute at the grocery store over how much food they should buy for a  dinner they were hosting.  Mama Lai sent her ducklings an e-mail about the dispute and Papa Lai launched his own campaign:

"I think we should post this on Mama Lai Says!"

Lol.  Papa Lai, this blog is not a forum for your domestic squabbles.  :)

The Tale of Two TVs

Two years ago, Mama Lai and Papa Lai made what they considered a luxury purchase for themselves:  a 42-inch flat panel television.  They were so excited for the big ticket item, they didn't realize the television came with a blu-ray player and recently unearthed it, two years later, in a cabinet. With all three ducklings out the house, Mama Lai was both very proud and excited to figure out, on her own, how to connect the blu-ray player to their TV.

But Mama Lai found out her "stupid" blu-ray player couldn't play DVDs and consequently could no watch her favorite Chinese soap dramas and TV shows.  Not knowing that she could connect more than one machine to her TV, and not to be undone, she came up with her own solution to this problem:

"So...we moved [Duckie's] big flat screen television out of storage and cleared a place in front of the fireplace.  Then we hooked up our DVD player to Duckie's TV."

So now that Mama Lai and Papa Lai have two forty-two inch televisions squeezed into their family room  and they can watch blu-ray movies and television shows on one, and DVDs on the other, they still are confronted with this problem:

"Why can't Duckie's TV play DVDs in color?"

Make-up Lessons from Papa Lai

I was getting ready to go out with some friends and putting on some lip gloss when Papa Lai stood very close to me and peered into my face and chuckled:

"What are you doing?  It looks like a dog slobbered all over your mouth."

Weathermom

Every morning Mama Lai checks the weather in the three cities where each of her ducklings reside.  Today, she sent her three adult children this cute e-mail:

"Temperature drops today everywhere!  From New York to California.  My children, keep yourself warm."

Be All That You Can Be

Mama Lai was pretty fascinated with all the hoopla surrounding Amy Chua's article in the Wall Street Journal and her book.  It made her question her own parenting techniques and how it may how adversely affected how I turned out:

"I think maybe if I was harder on you or expected more from you, you could've turned out differently.  You could've achieved so much-- you had so much potential.  Maybe you would have PhD, be a professor, stayed with law.  You could've been...a diplomat's wife."

Your Husband, Your Problem

Mama Lai has never been quiet about her preference that I date/marry an Asian man (even more favorable if he was Chinese and spoke Chinese).  But one day, out of the blue, Mama Lai told me that despite her preferences, I should still find a man who I loved and respected, who loved and respected me regardless of ethnicity or color.  Worried that I might be walking into a trap, I cautiously asked if that means I wouldn't be excommunicated from the family if I married a non-Asian and Mama Lai clarified herself:

"I didn't say that.  I still get to have my opinion.  But one day I will die and you will be stuck with that man.  And you would be really stupid if you were to curse your dead mother for that mistake."

Superbowl Highlights

Mama Lai loves the Superbowl more than any holiday and this year was no exception.  These were the highlights for Mama Lai's 2011 Superbowl:

Her favorite Superbowl Ad:

Her favorite Superbowl Player:

He's not Mama Lai's favorite (Tebow), but for this game it was Aaron Rodgers:

"He's from Chico!  And he went to community college before Berkeley?  Didn't I tell you [her eldest daughter] to go to community college so you could transfer into Berkeley?"

Worst Superbowl Moment:

"What was that half-time show about?  Who were those people?  I think Bridgestone should get their money back." 

Mama Lai's Random Comment About the Packers after she found out the Packers were from Greenbay, Wisconsin:

"It's very expensive to have a football team.  I wonder how that small town can afford to have a football team.  You know what they do in Wisconsin?  They drink beer, eat cheese.  Oh and I think they also like to eat meat a lot too."

Papa Lai and more Martina

Papa Lai misses his Duckie so when he intercepted a call and found out that Duckie may have an upcoming reunion. He tried to tantalize her into coming home with this:

"We can hit some good restaurants, eat roast duck, and listen to Martina.  Maybe throw in Elmo.  Aren't they cute together?"

Tiger Woods is Very Fortunate

Mama Lai took a short-lived interest in watching tennis because the Chinese tennis player, Li Na, became the first Asian woman to make it to a Grand Slam final.  Mama Lai couldn't finish watching the tennis match because she got tired from watching Li Na and her opponent huffing and puffing around the court:

"This tennis is such a tough sport.  Look at them.  Running around, and it's just them.  They barely get a break and there are no substitutes.  No time outs.  You know if you're going to choose a sport, you should be smart like Tiger Woods.  He gets to walk around, doesn't have to run,  and wears comfortable clothes.  He barely breaks a sweat and he gets millions of dollars.  And look at how much time he has.  He has his wife and all those women.  Now, Tiger Woods is fortunate man."

The Best Coast is the West Coast

Mama Lai is a definite "bestcoaster" so when Duckie decided to move to the other coast she was less than thrilled.  Mama Lai has been trying to be supportive of Duckie but will sound off behind Duckie's back on what makes the West Coast the "best coast" which includes the weather, the closeness to Asia, less expensive fruit in the grocery stores and my favorite -- the cast of MTV's Jersey Shore is from the East Coast.

When Duckie had to get her passport renewed, Mama Lai betrayed her West Coast superiority complex:

"You can go get a new passport at the post office.  Do they have post offices in New Jersey?"

The Atlanta Engineer

In the spring of my freshman year of college I received a postcard from a gentleman Mama Lai met online. The postcard read that he couldn't wait to meet me and that Mama Lai had a lot of great things to say about me.  I freaked out and called Mama Lai out on giving a strange man my address.  Mama Lai poo poo'd on the idea that it was at all dangerous:

"He is an engineer!  And he's Chinese and very polite.  He is working and going to school.  And he can play the guitar. He's been trying to talk to you on instant messenger and you keep ignoring him.  Just talk to him. I can't understand why you can't be more open minded."

I did end up having a meet-up with "The Atlanta Engineer" in a not-so-dissimilar fashion to my first date. But that is another story...

Tall Girls Don't Get Boyfriends

Mama Lai and I have an ongoing dispute about wearing heels.  Mama Lai and I are the same height and sometimes she takes it rather personally when I choose to go out in public with her wearing heels:

"You already lucky to be so tall!  But now you are too tall.  Men don't like tall girls."

I try to counter with an argument laced with some feminism in the form of "I do it for me because I like it and I think it looks good".  Mama Lai dismisses it as misdirected vanity:

"You do not walk around with a mirror to see yourself.  When men see you in heels they don't think you look good, they will just think you look tall."

Square Face

I mentioned to Mama Lai that my roommate commented that one of my guy friends, who she’s met on occasion, was handsome.  Mama Lai shook her head and said:

“I don’t get you young people’s taste.  His head is square.  How can he be handsome?”

A Different Kind of Beautiful

Mama Lai loves watching television and commented that the new slough of television actresses are very, very pretty, noting that I'm dealing with a lot of beautiful competition in the dating pool where I live (in Los Angeles).  And Mama Lai, in a rare moment of sympathy for me, said:

"Don't worry.  You set yourself a standard where you challenge yourself to be good, to be better.  And when you achieve it, that's really what is truly beautiful."

English Only

Papa Lai likes to complain that his brood doesn't speak Chinese well enough (and in the Little Prince's case, hardly at all).  Being the brassy, disobedient Chinese American daughter that I am, I counter his criticism with my own: he never spoke Chinese to us growing up so it's really his fault.

Even now, as I actively seek to improve my language skills, I speak Chinese to Papa Lai and he replies to me in English.  Papa Lai's defense:

"I'm old ok?  Old habits are hard to break and you can't teach an old man new tricks."

The 2011 Prediction

At the end of 2010 Mama Lai confided in me that she had this very strong feeling that 2011 is the year I will have a boyfriend.  She couldn't explain it, but she just knows it's my year.  Mama Lai gave me a hug, pinched my fat and said:

"Keep moving forward with more weight loss!  Let's make him a good one!"