Make-up

Mama Lai was browsing through my photos from a recent trip I took while on the phone with me.  I tried to describe to her where I was, what I was doing, but Mama Lai was concentrated on:

"You don't wear make-up anymore?  Did you not bring hairbrush on trip?"

Wal-Mart Beauty

Mama Lai and I were discussing Duckie's recent trip to Portugal.  Mama Lai had taken notice of the people in the background of Duckie's pictures.  Based on those photos, Mama Lai concluded that the people of Portugal were "not a beautiful people".  Mama Lai batted her lashes at me over webcam and said:

"They can't compare to California people.  We are known for are beauty and are healthy, beautiful, attractive, well-muscled people.  It's true!  You know your [Papa Lai] goes to Texas, and I've been to Iowa and you stand out on any normal street corner.  Different landscape.  Different looking.  California are a good looking people."

But then Mama Lai paused and thought:

"But you know if you go to Wal-mart, it doesn't matter what State you're in.  The people are not so beautiful, not too attractive.  Hahaha...like me!"

 

Retirement

Mama Lai went into retirement, but after awhile she got bored.  Mama Lai decided to apply for a volunteer position and the non-profit organization and was really excited that they found a place for her.  Mama Lai called me by video chat and reported:

"Yah!  They said I would work the front desk!  I will answer phones and greet people.  I will be the first face people see when they come.  I will be the face of the organization.  My skin cream must be working!" 

Then Mama Lai pushed her face to the webcam and said:

"See?  What do you think?" 

Facebook Food Stalking

Mama Lai was Facebook stalking me and send me this e-mail:

"I saw your post in facebook. You went to have  hotpot. Are you watching what you eat everyday? Try not to ruin your weight losing goal because of food. Not saying not to have fun time with friends. Just not to eat too much, not oily, no pasta or rice.

Ok, ok....I am nagging again.
Running away really fast...."

Backwards Compliment

I was tickled when a salesgirl guessed my age and guessed much younger than I am.  But Mama Lai was of a contrary belief:

"Maybe not such a good thing.  May mean you don't look sophisticated enough."

Head-to-Toe

Mama Lai looked down at her painted toe nails and remarked:

"You know, I always thought the best looking part of me are my toes.  I look down at my feet and I admire them.  But then I think, why couldn't it reverse, good head instead of good feet."

Skinny Dumpling

Mama Lai and I were preparing dumplings and she laughed at my the shape of my dumplings:

"If only you were as skinny as the dumplings you make, we would have no problems!"

Beijing Cabbies and Youthful Beauty

Papa Lai had heard some of my stories about Beijing cab drivers and tried to obtain some of the stories and insights while he was visiting China's bustling capital.  But he and Mama Lai were not able to achieve some of my more interesting results and Mama Lai said:

"Of course [Papa Lai] we are not as good to look at as our daughter.  They look at the rearview mirror and see old face.  Old face so ugly.  Young pretty face, anything sounds good.  Old face says something and it sounds boring."

Punishment by Exercise

I told Mama Lai that I accidentally got off on the wrong floor of the elevator and was caught by a young Chinese couple who thought I was trying to break into their home.  Mama Lai laughed at me and said:

"You should run nine flights of stairs as punishment!  Lose weight and be better person!"

US Open

Mama Lai walked into the room while the Little Prince was watching the US Open.

"What?  Who is that person with the weird hair?"

The Little Prince, without looking up from the the screen, replied:  "That's Djokovic.  He's the No. 1 seed at the US Open".

"Well, he's on TV and he should do something about that weird hair." 

Wearing Clothes

Whenever I return home, Mama Lai will start making me play dress-up.  Mama Lai and me around the same height and build and she will pull from her closet all of her recently acquired items and make me model them out for her.

"You should take this.  And this.  You are still wearing old clothes!  You need more NEW clothes."

And I will protest knowing that Mama Lai bought these clothes for herself.  And Mama Lai responds:

"I'm old.  All clothes look better on young people.  Enjoy while you can.  When you get old, you wear clothes to cover old body to not frighten people."

  

The Naked Masseur

During a trip to China, I decided to get a massage.  Three quarters into my session, the masseur decides to strip off his clothes and offer himself up to me, stark naked.  In the aftermath, I called Mama Lai expecting shock, maybe even outrage.  Instead, Mama Lai laughed:

"What?? How did that happen?  I think they only would give services like that to older women.  You must not have been wearing any make-up -- they accidentally took you for an older woman with needs! Hahahaha." 

Less than Perfect

Mama Lai was quite happy over my recent weight loss.  On a recent video chat session, she made me stand up, twirl and said:

"Good, good.  Keep losing!  Never gain it back.  And now that you seem to finally holding your weight together, let's talk about fixing your teeth.  Do you open your mouth and look in the mirror and smile?  It's getting messy in there."

Too Old for Make-up

When I'm at home, Mama Lai doesn't let me walk out of the house without putting make-up on.  And as I powdered my nose under her watchful eye, I reproached her for her hypocrisy since she clearly was not wearing any make-up.  Mama Lai peered into the mirror at herself and said:

"Make-up?  What can make-up do for my old, ugly face?  Shouldn't waste it on me.  It's for young people like you when it actually will make you look better."

Big Teeth

Mama Lai would sometimes tip my chin and peer into my mouth and suggest:

"You have big teeth like me.  Maybe you should go to Asia and find how much it cost to get them shaved down."

I would refuse to consider such a thing, then Mama Lai would sigh and say:

"Well then you should stop opening your mouth so big.  That way people can't see how big your teeth are." 

Men Don't Want Giants

I'm taller than Papa Lai by nearly four inches.  And like Mama Lai, he is not a fan of my collection of high heel shoes:

"You're not exactly a tiny girl.  When you wear shoes like that, you may not be taller than guys, but you will make it feel like you tower over them.  Men want girls, not giants."

Handsome Pharmacists

In one of the shopping centers Mama Lai frequents, Mama Lai discovered that a pharmacy was being opened by this young Vietnamese pharmacist.  Mama Lai fondly recounted this chance meeting:

"He had no hair, but he was such a handsome pharmacist.  I don't think I've ever seen such a handsome pharmacist.  You go get your medicine and it's never anyone good looking.  That is a good business model."

Happy Toes

Mama Lai and I were in the ktichen talking on one of my last nights home.  She said that once I was gone she would treat herself to a pedicure:

"You know I don't care so much about my fingers.  They are old fingers, but when I look down I like to see my pretty painted toes looking back at me.  That makes me feel really good."

Thongs

For most of Mama Lai's adult life, she had only worn one kind of underwear, the very conservative and functional sort and always in solid colors.  When her two daughters went away to school, the holiday laundry became filled with all sorts of underwear of all shapes, sizes, cuts and colors and prints.  The thong was what captured Mama Lai's curiosity and thought the design was cleverly economical and would be perfect for a hot summer day.  After various consultations with Duckie about material and where to find, Mama Lai went and bought her very first thong.

When she got home, Mama Lai put it on and got as far as the hallway and yelped:

"What!  What is this!  You can feel it!  No.  No, I don't think so."

And that was the last time Mama Lai ever came near a thong.   And whenever she comes across one in the store or in her children's laundry, she shakes her head in disbelief that women, especially her two daughters, would wear something so uncomfortable.

Taking the Blame

The Little Prince (aka my brother) had to get dressed for an interview, but Mama Lai discovered that all of his slacks at home were too small.  Dismayed and upset, Mama Lai rushed into my room and with her hands on her hips, exclaimed:

"My whole family is too fat!  It's all your fault!  It started from you!!!"