"Daughter...would you like us to show you where you were conceived?""Ewww, no." I said, disgusted and then Mama Lai chimed in, laughing:
"Yeah, you are old enough to know where babies come from. We don't have to have a conversation about the birds and the bees with you, do we?"The two howled in laughter at their own joke. And I cannot believe that after three decades of life, Mama Lai and Papa Lai still know how to make me feel humiliated even when no one else is around!
"You are doing so good! Look you only have a few years left! When you turn 35, you might as well be 40. It's all the same after 35."
"It's so slow. Sometimes boring. And it's all very depressing..."As Mama Lai got deep into her complaining, I suggested that she watch something else.
"No. I have to watch. He's Tom Selleck. He is...Magnum P.I."
"That is life. You move on with your life and then a year passes, then maybe two year passes. Then many years pass and then you have not spoken to them. Maybe you forget their name, and then you don't recognize what you look like. And then you start to even forget the memory. Ugh. Getting old is a terrible thing."Then registering my look of sadness, Mama Lai tried to console me:
"It's ok my beautiful daughter. You will lose 20 pounds, find a good husband and lead good life."
"Yah, we spent so much money bringing whole family to Disneyland. Then on our way out of Disneyland we stop by McDonald's and you and your sister were even happier at the playground at McDonald's. So excited, in a better mood! We even took picture because everyone was so happy. We stayed at McDonald's for over 2 hours. Why we drive so far? We have McDonald's down the street from us!"
"Oh it's a special day! We can do anything you want! What do you want to do for your birthday, my girl?"And I brightly responded: "Anything???"
"Anything that doesn't involve eating. How about we fast for your birthday? That will be my gift to you - no eating on your birthday!"Then Mama Lai walked out of the room, humming a little song and raising the roof.
"You know what would make you even more attractive? You don't make something delicious, but you become something delicious by losing 30 or 40 pounds."
"You're not getting any younger. So whatever it takes."
"I don't smoke."
"It highlights all of your disadvantages. It exposes too much of you -- you need a dress that hides more skin."And as Mama Lai got more into the reasoning of why I should never wear this dress again, she became more and more delighted and carried away. Then she had a "eureka" moment:
"I should become a fashion consultant. I would be so good at it. This looks BAD ON YOU. This looks HIDEOUS. That would be the best job ever!"The Little Prince, overhearing this exchange, cleared his throat and simply said "NO, I don't think so."
"Then guess what, sir? You will be my first guinea pig!"
The old husband told his wife "I don't care what I come back as, I just want to be able to have sex all the time." The wife rolled her eyes.
Then one day the husband passed away, leaving his wife a widow. Then one day, the husband came back to his wife in the middle of the night as a ghost. "Death is not so bad." Rubbing it in, he told her "I've been reincarnated and now I get to have sex all the time. I have sex when I wake up in the morning. I have sex after breakfast. Then I eat lunch and then have sex all afternoon."I tried to ignore the quizzical and judgmental looks of some middle aged woman who passed us on the trail who no doubt was listening to our very bizarre conversation.
And the husband told the wife that he came back to this world in a zoo. He back as a...Then Papa Lai started chuckling and asked me if I could guess. I couldn't guess and he said:
He came back as a rabbit!! Hahaha. This joke is so funny. You should tell all your friends.So, friends, that was the joke Papa Lai asked me to share with all of you.
"Well if there was a good thing to come out of terrorism it would be that it gave a group of mean looking and unattractive actors jobs in Hollywood."
"How mad did I make her? How loud did she quack?"
"You know when you're not home, every Wednesday and Friday I bring home yummy things to eat. And now I run to the store and look at my yummies and say if I brought this home, what kind of example would I set for my daughter? You suffer and I suffer with you! We can do this together!"
"You know if I won the lottery, you know what I would buy?"I pondered the possibilities. A new car? A luxury vacation? New TV with surround sound?
"I would buy a house where I could control the temperature and humidity so I could walk around the whole house naked at all times."
"Why do you have man's underwear in you clothes??!"I may have been just as surprised, but as she waved the evidence in front of me, I laughed:
"Isn't that dad's underwear? Didn't you do my laundry with yours?"Mama Lai looked at the underwear in her hands and in realizing her mistake said:
"You do your own laundry from now on."
"These people talk about how it's their big shot and then they get on stage dressed like they just walked out of their house. You would think they would go, spend a little money and put on something nice. Even I know better."
"I already know what you like to eat."Mama Lai paused, smiled and winked at my friend:
"My daughter likes to eat very little."
