The Little Prince and his Wicked Sisters

Mama Lai was perplexed over the Little Prince and why he has not brought a girlfriend home to seek her approval.  I pondered over what kind of girls the Little Prince might like and Mama Lai said:

"[The Little Prince] like small, cute girls who speak 'giligooloogiligooloo' that are very sweet and nice.  Basically, girls who are nothing like his two mean sisters."

Book of Signals

When I was in my late twenties, Mama Lai was distraught that her eldest daughter did not have a serious boyfriend:

"Are you giving the right signals?  You can be very cold.  Boys need encouragement.  You have to give them hints to encourage them."

I asked Mama Lai what signals she was talking about.  Mama Lai looked at me with exasperation:

"I don't know!  You like to read books.  They make books about everything.  There must be a book about signals and then you should read it." 

Awkward Teenage Moment

When I was a teenager I was moody and repellent and lived by an unarticulated rule of one-word utterances when absolutely necessary.  I was shy and very religious so I rarely spoke about boys.  Duckie was the opposite and was very chatty about her crushes and the boys she was interested in even though she was a fews younger than me.

The contrast between me and Duckie and my silence on the matter began to bother Mama Lai and one day felt like she should reach out to her sullen teenage daughter.  She picked me up from basketball practice and instead of driving home, drove me to a parking lot of a nearby park.  Mama Lai confronted me and said:

"Are you gay?  How come you don't talk about boys?  You know mommy and daddy would love you no matter what right?"

Dating History

Sometimes when Mama Lai can't sleep, she would steal into my bedroom, sit on my bed and ask me for "the juicy gossip happening in [my] life".   One night, I turned the tables and asked her for some juicy secrets from her life, maybe some details about an old boyfriend, pre-Papa Lai.  


Mama Lai sighed:

"My dating life is like yours...nothing much to say."

Man's Underwear

Once I came home and Mama Lai combined my laundry with the family laundry.  When I got home, Mama Lai confronted me:

"Why do you have man's underwear in you clothes??!"

I may have been just as surprised, but as she waved the evidence in front of me, I laughed:

"Isn't that dad's underwear?  Didn't you do my laundry with yours?" 

Mama Lai looked at the underwear in her hands and in realizing her mistake said:

"You do your own laundry from now on."

Chinese Online Dating

When I lived in China, Mama Lai made a call to me long distance and started in on a laundry list of questions.  The examples include:

"1.  You prefer living in the city?, 2.  Do you like to karaoke?, 3.  Do you prefer Chinese or Western food?"

Finding it strange that Mama Lai was making a long-distance call to ask such mundane questions, I asked her what was up.

"Oh on Chinese television they did a feature on this dating website.  So I'm just checking it out and making a profile for you." 

Mating Signals

One day when we're on the phone, Mama Lai asked me:

"Are you giving men signals?"

 "What are you talking about?"

Mama Lai blurted out:

"Men need encouragement.  You are very intimidating.  You always have a mean expression on your face.  That will scare men away."

I feebly protested that I don't think anyone is scared of me, but Mama Lai insisted:

"You can look like a bitch sometimes.  You have to seem more..."

Mama Lai seemed to be searching for the right word and then she caught it:

"Inviting.  Open for business." 

 

Korean Men

I told Mama Lai one of my friends was going to set me up with Korean.  Mama Lai paused:

"I don't think Koreans like Chinese people.  I try to be friendly to them and they treat me like I have a disease."

And then she added:

"You know in those Korean dramas we like to watch, Korean husbands are abusive to their wives." 

The Fonz

When I was in elementary school, I watched a lot of television.  One of my favorite shows was "Happy Days" and I developed a crush on Henry Wrinkler's character "The Fonz".  One night, I dreamt that The Fonz whisked me away on his ultra-cool motorcycle and gave me a peck on my lips at sunset.  Wracked with Christian guilt, I ran to Mama Lai's room in tears.

Mama Lai, groggy from sleep, listened to my teary confession and laughed:

"You woke me up for this?  Go back to sleep.  He's too old for you."

Like Dating, Like Painting

Mama Lai believes I obsess over the wrong things when it comes to boys:

"You young people romanticize finding someone to settle down with.  Finding your match is like looking at a painting. Fine, you can fuss about the color, subject of the painting.  Sure, that side of the painting is always beautiful and there will be many angles you can see that painting.  But every painting has an ugly backside."

The Atlanta Engineer

In the spring of my freshman year of college I received a postcard from a gentleman Mama Lai met online. The postcard read that he couldn't wait to meet me and that Mama Lai had a lot of great things to say about me.  I freaked out and called Mama Lai out on giving a strange man my address.  Mama Lai poo poo'd on the idea that it was at all dangerous:

"He is an engineer!  And he's Chinese and very polite.  He is working and going to school.  And he can play the guitar. He's been trying to talk to you on instant messenger and you keep ignoring him.  Just talk to him. I can't understand why you can't be more open minded."

I did end up having a meet-up with "The Atlanta Engineer" in a not-so-dissimilar fashion to my first date. But that is another story...

Tall Girls Don't Get Boyfriends

Mama Lai and I have an ongoing dispute about wearing heels.  Mama Lai and I are the same height and sometimes she takes it rather personally when I choose to go out in public with her wearing heels:

"You already lucky to be so tall!  But now you are too tall.  Men don't like tall girls."

I try to counter with an argument laced with some feminism in the form of "I do it for me because I like it and I think it looks good".  Mama Lai dismisses it as misdirected vanity:

"You do not walk around with a mirror to see yourself.  When men see you in heels they don't think you look good, they will just think you look tall."

A Different Kind of Beautiful

Mama Lai loves watching television and commented that the new slough of television actresses are very, very pretty, noting that I'm dealing with a lot of beautiful competition in the dating pool where I live (in Los Angeles).  And Mama Lai, in a rare moment of sympathy for me, said:

"Don't worry.  You set yourself a standard where you challenge yourself to be good, to be better.  And when you achieve it, that's really what is truly beautiful."

The 2011 Prediction

At the end of 2010 Mama Lai confided in me that she had this very strong feeling that 2011 is the year I will have a boyfriend.  She couldn't explain it, but she just knows it's my year.  Mama Lai gave me a hug, pinched my fat and said:

"Keep moving forward with more weight loss!  Let's make him a good one!"

The Heels Situation

I once rang Mama Lai when I was on my way to meet a date.  Mama Lai always likes to make sure I'm prepared and runs me through a checklist of things to make sure I'm "date ready".  The checklist always ends with making sure I'm not wearing heels, which I'm prone to do as the vast majority of my footwear elevates my height by a few inches:

 "All I'm saying is, you're already tall enough.  And there is no reason for you to give yourself another disadvantage when it comes to men."

(And this debate will continue to rage on... )

Midwest Matchmaker

I moved to the Midwest for a couple of years to attend school.  My grandparents had family friends who happened to live in the same small town I was living in.  They were very well regarded in the Chinese community in the US having opened two successful Chinese restaurants in the Midwest region.

One year, Mama Lai decided to come visit me, but the trip was actually made not to see me, but to visit my grandfather's friend.  Unbeknownst to me, Mama Lai packed gifts and had prepared a small speech and surprised me (and them) with a plea to find me a match.  And Mr. Midwest Matchmaker barely paused before accepting the challenge. And in a blink of the eye, the measuring tape was pulled out, a weight scale was produced and I scrambled to take notes as I needed to provide him with information on schooling, astrology, blood type, hobbies and talents.  Mama Lai had already brought along a selection of pictures that she had carefully filtered through for him to pass along to any interested families.

Mama Lai reasoned:

"You are out here all by yourself.  [Matchmaker] knows very respectable families with eligible sons.  How else will you meet an educated Chinese American boy who is taller than you?  You need help."

I was eventually matched with a 6 foot tall Chinese American dentist in Southern California who liked to race remote control cars.  I'm not sure what happened to him, but I wish him all the best.

The Fortune Teller

When I graduated college, I moved to Taiwan.  A co-worker brought me to a famous psychic who did crystal ball readings in Taipei.  The session is private and my Chinese was poor so the psychic was kind enough to make a tape recording of her fortunetelling so it can be replayed and translated for me later.  In my future she saw (as translated to me by Mama Lai):

"You will meet your match through an introduction by friends.  You will date for one to two years and will be married by the spring of your 28th birthday.  He will be tall and jolly, Chinese American and of good temperament and he will be beloved by your family."

What she saw in the crystal ball was Mama Lai's ultimate dream for me.  But as the fortune teller explained to me before the session, I can always alter my own destiny.  And as my 28th birthday came and went, I discovered that Mama Lai had been secretly listening to the tape as a source of hope.   When I turned 30, she listened to it again.

"Somehow you altered your destiny,"   Mama Lai said with great disappointment.

 Shaking her head, she added:

"Now anything can happen."

Hopelessly Not Charming

One summer during college I returned home boyfriend-less.  Papa Lai was disappointed and one day, out of the blue, came into the kitchen where I was with Mama Lai and said:

"Maybe we should send our eldest to charm school."

I protested and asked what charm school even was, but my presence and thoughts were completely ignored.  Mama Lai replied:

"If that's what we're relying on, then I think it's hopeless."

 

A Lesson on Boys

One summer when I was a teenager I returned home from a week long church camp.  I was high off of the word of God and some workshops where some conservative and spiritual woman talked about love and marriage.  I returned home, excited to share what I learned with Mama Lai and some personal goals:

"I'm not going to kiss anyone until the day I get married!"

Mama Lai started to laugh and then she was laughing so hard she had to sit down and motioned for me to get her a glass of water.  When she finally calmed down, she looked me in the eye:

"You know your boyfriend is going to want to do a whole lot more than kiss you, right?"

When Papa Lai came home that night, Mama Lai said:

"Do you want to know what YOUR daughter said to me?"

And Papa Lai and Mama Lai had a cozy laugh at their naive teenage daughter's expense.

On Hitting Gold

Mama Lai was relating to me the story of how she and Papa Lai first met.  I mused out loud “I wonder what Papa Lai thought when you said “yes’” when he asked you out and without hesitation Mama Lai said

“He hit gold.”

I told Mama Lai that I hope that one day I’ll find a man felt the same way about me and Mama Lai said:

“Maybe if you lost 15 pounds that would happen.”