Parenting at a Loss

The other day the Little Prince (my brother) made the unfortunate mistake of calling Mama Lai while she watching a TV program featuring proteges.  Without waiting to hear what the Little Prince was calling for, she grumbled:

"There is a boy who at age six sold a beautiful painting for $265,000.  Where did I go wrong??"

The Little Prince ignored Mama Lai and complained that he was hungry and had nothing to eat.  When I called Mama Lai, she was quite agitated over the Little Prince's lack in concern and sighed:

"I've parented three children...I'm parenting at a loss of $265,000 per child!" 

On Meeting You

Readers of the blog have sent me messages saying they would like to one day meet Mama Lai.  I conveyed the same to her, and Mama Lai laughed:

"Those poor people.  I have no interest in meeting any of them."

Get a Life!

When the site My Mom is a Fob launched, I forwarded it to Mama Lai thinking she would get a kick out of it.  Mama Lai was less than thrilled with such a site:

"People read this site?  This is kind of a racism?  I am American mom, I don't want people thinking I'm funny because I'm a fob!  Really, you guys think it's funny because there is a misunderstanding between generations and culture."

I thought maybe Mama Lai didn't get the gist of the site and was taking it too seriously so I sent her some specific links to some anecdotes that she would find funny, but she refused:

"I have a life you know?  I don't have time for this.  Maybe you should think about getting a life too!" 

Facebook Stalker

One of Mama Lai's proudest achievements is that her three ducklings call her without asking.  I tend to be the most delinquent of the three, skipping a day here or there each month.  Mama Lai never, ever calls me even when I leave a message for her to call me back.  But sometimes when she hasn't heard from me for a day, curiosity gets the best of her:

"So I sign into Facebook to see what you're up to and see if you're still alive."

The Meaning of Life

Mama Lai had a philosophical moment the other week and wanted to talk about the meaning of life:

"If you think about it, our human lives are really stupid.  So you have to decide for yourself what gives your life meaning.  That's what growing up is about."

Then I asked Mama Lai what gave her life meaning and she replied without hesitation:

"I live my life for my three kids."

And then she paused and laughed:

"See, I told you our human lives are really stupid." 

Gender Mistake

Mama Lai used to dress me as boy in my male cousins' hand-me-downs and kept my hair very short.  Now that I am adult, she expresses some regret in doing this:

"I thought you were such a beautiful baby, people could always tell you were a girl so I didn't think it mattered.  But now I think maybe it affected your development.  You're not very girly." 

Soulmates

I once asked Mama Lai if she believed each person had a "soulmate" and she responded:

"Yes, but only 5% of the human race ever gets to be that lucky.  The rest of us just have to find someone we get along with and respect and gets along with and respects you.  Come to think of it, our human lives are really stupid.  So if you want to be foolish and wait and look for the one, before you know it, your life will have passed you by and you will be dead."

Human Anatomy Lesson

When I was in middle school, I was a little freaked out by puberty and insecure about my boobs (I didn't want them).  I'm not sure what Mama Lai intended by telling me this, but to this day, my masters in science holding Mama Lai stands by it:

"They will grow bigger when boys touch them."

"Why You're Not Married"

I sent Mama Lai Tracy McMillan's Huffington Post blog entry "Why You're Not Married".  And Mama Lai called me to say:

"She really does have a point.  But I really don't think she needed  to use all those sweaer words.  Very unnecessary." 

Essence of Duckie

My sister (Duckie) sent Mama Lai some photos of her first ice skating outing. The rest of us were impressed with Duckie's agility, but Mama Lai had different expectations:

"Where is the falling down pictures?  Those pictures you sent did not catch the essences of ice skating of [Duckie]."

America, the Land of Tolerance and Acceptance

Mama Lai called me a few weeks before a business trip to China to implore me to shed 10 lbs:

"Americans are very tolerant and accepting.  You a little overweight, but you dress nice and put on a little make-up, they will call you beautiful and forgive you.  But China is not the same as America.  They look at you and will think you are a person lazy, with no accomplishment."

Papa Lai and the Mama Lai Blog

Papa Lai and Mama Lai had a dispute at the grocery store over how much food they should buy for a  dinner they were hosting.  Mama Lai sent her ducklings an e-mail about the dispute and Papa Lai launched his own campaign:

"I think we should post this on Mama Lai Says!"

Lol.  Papa Lai, this blog is not a forum for your domestic squabbles.  :)

The Tale of Two TVs

Two years ago, Mama Lai and Papa Lai made what they considered a luxury purchase for themselves:  a 42-inch flat panel television.  They were so excited for the big ticket item, they didn't realize the television came with a blu-ray player and recently unearthed it, two years later, in a cabinet. With all three ducklings out the house, Mama Lai was both very proud and excited to figure out, on her own, how to connect the blu-ray player to their TV.

But Mama Lai found out her "stupid" blu-ray player couldn't play DVDs and consequently could no watch her favorite Chinese soap dramas and TV shows.  Not knowing that she could connect more than one machine to her TV, and not to be undone, she came up with her own solution to this problem:

"So...we moved [Duckie's] big flat screen television out of storage and cleared a place in front of the fireplace.  Then we hooked up our DVD player to Duckie's TV."

So now that Mama Lai and Papa Lai have two forty-two inch televisions squeezed into their family room  and they can watch blu-ray movies and television shows on one, and DVDs on the other, they still are confronted with this problem:

"Why can't Duckie's TV play DVDs in color?"

Make-up Lessons from Papa Lai

I was getting ready to go out with some friends and putting on some lip gloss when Papa Lai stood very close to me and peered into my face and chuckled:

"What are you doing?  It looks like a dog slobbered all over your mouth."

Weathermom

Every morning Mama Lai checks the weather in the three cities where each of her ducklings reside.  Today, she sent her three adult children this cute e-mail:

"Temperature drops today everywhere!  From New York to California.  My children, keep yourself warm."

Be All That You Can Be

Mama Lai was pretty fascinated with all the hoopla surrounding Amy Chua's article in the Wall Street Journal and her book.  It made her question her own parenting techniques and how it may how adversely affected how I turned out:

"I think maybe if I was harder on you or expected more from you, you could've turned out differently.  You could've achieved so much-- you had so much potential.  Maybe you would have PhD, be a professor, stayed with law.  You could've been...a diplomat's wife."

Your Husband, Your Problem

Mama Lai has never been quiet about her preference that I date/marry an Asian man (even more favorable if he was Chinese and spoke Chinese).  But one day, out of the blue, Mama Lai told me that despite her preferences, I should still find a man who I loved and respected, who loved and respected me regardless of ethnicity or color.  Worried that I might be walking into a trap, I cautiously asked if that means I wouldn't be excommunicated from the family if I married a non-Asian and Mama Lai clarified herself:

"I didn't say that.  I still get to have my opinion.  But one day I will die and you will be stuck with that man.  And you would be really stupid if you were to curse your dead mother for that mistake."

Superbowl Highlights

Mama Lai loves the Superbowl more than any holiday and this year was no exception.  These were the highlights for Mama Lai's 2011 Superbowl:

Her favorite Superbowl Ad:

Her favorite Superbowl Player:

He's not Mama Lai's favorite (Tebow), but for this game it was Aaron Rodgers:

"He's from Chico!  And he went to community college before Berkeley?  Didn't I tell you [her eldest daughter] to go to community college so you could transfer into Berkeley?"

Worst Superbowl Moment:

"What was that half-time show about?  Who were those people?  I think Bridgestone should get their money back." 

Mama Lai's Random Comment About the Packers after she found out the Packers were from Greenbay, Wisconsin:

"It's very expensive to have a football team.  I wonder how that small town can afford to have a football team.  You know what they do in Wisconsin?  They drink beer, eat cheese.  Oh and I think they also like to eat meat a lot too."

Papa Lai and more Martina

Papa Lai misses his Duckie so when he intercepted a call and found out that Duckie may have an upcoming reunion. He tried to tantalize her into coming home with this:

"We can hit some good restaurants, eat roast duck, and listen to Martina.  Maybe throw in Elmo.  Aren't they cute together?"

Tiger Woods is Very Fortunate

Mama Lai took a short-lived interest in watching tennis because the Chinese tennis player, Li Na, became the first Asian woman to make it to a Grand Slam final.  Mama Lai couldn't finish watching the tennis match because she got tired from watching Li Na and her opponent huffing and puffing around the court:

"This tennis is such a tough sport.  Look at them.  Running around, and it's just them.  They barely get a break and there are no substitutes.  No time outs.  You know if you're going to choose a sport, you should be smart like Tiger Woods.  He gets to walk around, doesn't have to run,  and wears comfortable clothes.  He barely breaks a sweat and he gets millions of dollars.  And look at how much time he has.  He has his wife and all those women.  Now, Tiger Woods is fortunate man."

The Best Coast is the West Coast

Mama Lai is a definite "bestcoaster" so when Duckie decided to move to the other coast she was less than thrilled.  Mama Lai has been trying to be supportive of Duckie but will sound off behind Duckie's back on what makes the West Coast the "best coast" which includes the weather, the closeness to Asia, less expensive fruit in the grocery stores and my favorite -- the cast of MTV's Jersey Shore is from the East Coast.

When Duckie had to get her passport renewed, Mama Lai betrayed her West Coast superiority complex:

"You can go get a new passport at the post office.  Do they have post offices in New Jersey?"

The Atlanta Engineer

In the spring of my freshman year of college I received a postcard from a gentleman Mama Lai met online. The postcard read that he couldn't wait to meet me and that Mama Lai had a lot of great things to say about me.  I freaked out and called Mama Lai out on giving a strange man my address.  Mama Lai poo poo'd on the idea that it was at all dangerous:

"He is an engineer!  And he's Chinese and very polite.  He is working and going to school.  And he can play the guitar. He's been trying to talk to you on instant messenger and you keep ignoring him.  Just talk to him. I can't understand why you can't be more open minded."

I did end up having a meet-up with "The Atlanta Engineer" in a not-so-dissimilar fashion to my first date. But that is another story...