Empty Nest Syndrome?

This year I flew to the East Coast to spend Thanksgiving with my sister.  A friend asked me whether Mama Lai would be sad that her two daughters wouldn't be spending the holiday with her.  I decided to put that question to Mama Lai and she said:

"I feel like this is trick question.  I'm not sad at all...your brother is coming home!  I'm so excited."

 (to my friend:  Told you!)

And just in case she didn't understand the question I asked her again whether she felt like it would be better if all of her kids were home for Thanksgiving, Mama Lai said:

"I get to see all three of you at Christmas.  So much work taking care of all of you.  I hope you guys don't make a mess in my house."

 

Hopelessly Not Charming

One summer during college I returned home boyfriend-less.  Papa Lai was disappointed and one day, out of the blue, came into the kitchen where I was with Mama Lai and said:

"Maybe we should send our eldest to charm school."

I protested and asked what charm school even was, but my presence and thoughts were completely ignored.  Mama Lai replied:

"If that's what we're relying on, then I think it's hopeless."

 

Mama Lai says "We Could Never be Friends"

I came home from my first visit to China really excited about Hong Kong and Chinese cinema.  I brought a grip of VCDs and DVDs back, thinking that Mama Lai would enjoy them since we grew up watching Chinese serials.  I popped in Wong Kar-Wai "Chungking's Express" and during the movie Mama Lai begged for me to turn it off.

"He [Tony Leung] is talking to a bar of soap.  This is nonsense."

I pouted and said that this is one of my favorite movies.  And I thought it was sweet and romantic.  Mama Lai gave me a "look" and said:

"God made us love our children so much that we would never see any harm come to them.  But I think if I was not your mother we could never be friends."   

A Lesson on Boys

One summer when I was a teenager I returned home from a week long church camp.  I was high off of the word of God and some workshops where some conservative and spiritual woman talked about love and marriage.  I returned home, excited to share what I learned with Mama Lai and some personal goals:

"I'm not going to kiss anyone until the day I get married!"

Mama Lai started to laugh and then she was laughing so hard she had to sit down and motioned for me to get her a glass of water.  When she finally calmed down, she looked me in the eye:

"You know your boyfriend is going to want to do a whole lot more than kiss you, right?"

When Papa Lai came home that night, Mama Lai said:

"Do you want to know what YOUR daughter said to me?"

And Papa Lai and Mama Lai had a cozy laugh at their naive teenage daughter's expense.

Gentle as a Dove

Duckie and I related a story to Mama Lai how someone told us that if he had to choose between setting his girlfriend on fire and saving the world, he would set his girlfriend on fire.  Mama Lai said that if she were asked to make the same choice:

"I would set Papa Lai on fire for one of those Japanese mochi balls."

 Oh Papa Lai, your Mama Lai is so gentle, gentle as a dove.

Duckie feigned shocked and Mama Lai p'shawed her and said:

"Don't talk.  You would set a boyfriend on fire for a candy bar."

The Skeletons in Papa Lai's Closet

When Mama Lai got the e-mail about the possibility that her hubby, Papa Lai  was going to stand outside Home Depot schlepping for work so he can drink free Home Depot coffee, her only concern was finding out that he drank coffee:

"Now I know your daddy was drinking coffee!  I thought he never touched the stuff.  Another similar thing happened also about 7 or 8 years ago.  One day your daddy suddenly told me he needs changes [change] to get pepsi from machine at work (he was drinking pepsi everyday at work!).  I was so surprised.  Because he never asked for pepsi or soft drink at home.  Hmm, I wonder what else I do not know about your daddy..."

Oh the secrets and lies!   'fess up Papa Lai -- what other illicit beverages are you drinking?!

Happy Birthday Mama Lai!

Today is Mama Lai's Birthday!  Please send your happy birthday wishes here.

Mama Lai found out that JCPenney gave customers receive an additional 15% off during their birthday month.  So the first weekend of November, Mama Lai decided to treat herself and go shopping.  Mama Lai called me from this store:

"You know I haven't been to JCPenney for very long time.  But I find out about the birthday coupon and I have to come BUT..."

And then Mama Lai trails off.  I find out that she went to a secluded corner to avoid being overheard:

"But the clothes here are so...hideous.  Even their furniture is so...ugly." 

Sorry JCPenney!  But Mama Lai did end up buying a solid colored down comforter for $60, the original price of which was over $100.  She was quite proud. :) 

Papa Lai Will Work for Free Coffee

Papa Lai is retired.  He's had a lot of spare time on his hands so he and my Uncle (one of Mama Lai's many brothers) who is also retired have been spending time working on repairs for each other's houses.  They go to Home Depot a lot for supplies.  Papa Lai wrote the family an e-mail asking for our opinion:

"Your Uncle gave me this terrific suggestion.  Outside of Home Depot there's a crowd of Mexicans standing around looking for work.  He suggested that he and I do the same thing, stand outside Home Depot and wait for a job.  He said we can drink free Home Depot coffee while we wait.  I don't know.  Do you think anyone would hire me as a laborer?  What do you think?  Should I learn Spanish?"

Not Cute Anymore

Last weekend Mama Lai was waxing nostalgic and going through some old photos from when I was just baby.  

"You were so cute back then."

Then I joked, "What happened, huh?"

Mama Lai replied:

"You learned to talk."

Papa Lai Bewitched

This story provides support to Mama Lai's allegation that Papa Lai believed he "hit gold" when he met Mama Lai.

Papa Lai is now retired.  With all the free time he had on his hands, he decided that he was going to pick out animal avatars for his family.  My sister was easy -- she could be a duck, I would be a penguin.  My brother could be either a frog or dolphin and Papa Lai was "obviously" a turtle.  But he couldn't quite figure out what Mama Lai's avatar should be and turned to his three ducklings for help:

"What should your mother be?"

Duckie, was the first to answer, demonstrating without a doubt that she is Mama Lai's spawn stating, without reservation:

"She should be a teradactyl...or a sabre tooth tiger." 

Papa Lai was almost indignant:

"No, no.  You mother is so gentle...like a dove."

How Mama Lai Gets Her Way

Mama Lai is famous in our family for a strong dislike for reading.  It never occurred to her it was hypocritical given that she complains that her ducklings do not read enough and that we're "wasting our brains."  Whereas Papa Lai will spend hours on the weekend at the library, the closest Mama Lai gets to the library is dropping her family off and picking them up. 

Mysteriously, Mama Lai told me she decided to pick up a copy of a book that she heard just came out, Iris Chang’s book “The Rape of Nanking” and suggested I read it.   When I came home one holiday she wanted to know what I thought, what I learned and as we discussed the book it became clear to me that Mama Lai didn't really read the book. Then Mama Lai confessed:

“I read beginning of book and then I get impatient.  So then I read the end.  You like to read so then you can tell me if I missed anything good.”

Feeling like I had just been conned into being a walking and talking cliff notes for Mama Lai, I protested and told her I thought she should read it from beginning to end and that she was setting a bad example for her children.

And Mama Lai says, what she always says when me or any of her other ducklings complains about doing something for her:

"I am your mother.  You owe me your life." 

Mama Lai's Culpability

Being the good sister than I am, I told Duckie what Mama Lai said about her "squawking" and "turning into a popsicle" and then posted it.  Then  Duckie confronted Mama Lai about it the next day:

"I heard you said I squawk like a bird."

"What?  I talked to no one about you today."

"What about yesterday?"

"Too long ago, not responsible for that."

The Pricetag for One of Mama Lai's Ducklings

Duckie (aka my sister) sent Mama Lai an article about a Florida woman who was arrested for allegedly trying to sell her 8 week old son for $9,000.  Mama Lai said:

"Ha...wow!  Babies actually worth that much?! I will be satisfied for 5000 dollars."

Surgeon General Mama Lai's Warning

Mama Lai sent me this unsolicited McRib alert:

"The McRib consists of a formed ground pork patty, barbecue sauce, onions, and pickles served on a 6 inch (15.2 cm) roll. The patty is precooked, frozen and later reheated

500 calories, half of them from fat.

Ok, my family, the most is one a month.

Mama Lai"

Then Mama Lai called me and said:

"Actually, for you, you're not allowed to have any.  You have to stay away."

When Duckie Head East

My sister recently re-located to the East Coast and will be experiencing her first snowy winter.  Mama Lai informed me that the weather just turned cold:

“Wait until it really becomes winter there.  Your sister has never experienced such cold.  She’ll turn into a popsicle.  Hahaha.  She’ll be a roly-poly popsicle [from all the clothes she will have to wear].  We will hear your sister squawk about it all the way here on the West Coast."

Mama Lai chuckled and then said

“This will be very entertaining.”

On Hitting Gold

Mama Lai was relating to me the story of how she and Papa Lai first met.  I mused out loud “I wonder what Papa Lai thought when you said “yes’” when he asked you out and without hesitation Mama Lai said

“He hit gold.”

I told Mama Lai that I hope that one day I’ll find a man felt the same way about me and Mama Lai said:

“Maybe if you lost 15 pounds that would happen.” 

Mama Lai and Factors to Consider when Picking a College

Mama and Papa Lai drove me down to Southern California to move me into my dorm.  Mama Lai stepped onto my campus for the first time, looked around at the student body and said:

“This is a mistake.  You should not go to college here.”

“What? Why?”

“The girls are so pretty here.  Too much competition – how will you meet someone?”

Papa Lai: I Have a Dream...

My sister and brother returned home for a long weekend.  At  the end of the weekend, my sister treated the family to a dinner.  Mama Lai and sister noted that I had uncharacteristically not called either of them all weekend.  To my family’s surprise, Papa Lai had an opinion on this matter:

“So?  Maybe she was busy.”

They were bewildered because Papa Lai doesn’t talk on the phone with any of us.  And if he knew what was going on with any of us three ducklings it was because he eavesdrops on our conversations with Mama Lai or because Mama Lai tells him so.  This includes our dating life, school, work and birthdays.  Mama Lai suspiciously asked:

“How do you know?  Did she call??”

Papa Lai looked down and quietly said:

“Maybe…maybe she’s busy falling in love.”

And all three:  Mama Lai, little brother and sister were dumbfounded.  Speechless.

“I can dream. I just want grandchildren, ok?” 

A Proud Mama Lai

Mama Lai journeyed to Vegas and attended a mega multi-class high school reunion.  There was a banquet and each woman was asked to come up and summarize her accomplishments.  Mama Lai went to the number one all-girl’s high school in Taiwan and as her former classmates went up on stage and talked about their research papers, awards and other career accomplishments, Mama Lai got up on stage and said

“I have 3 children.  And each of them call me every day without me asking.”

Mama Lai received a standing ovation.  When she related the story to me, she said:

“I wasn’t sure what I was going to say.  I did not know they were going to ask us to speak.  And when I was waiting my turn I tried to think of what I was most proud of in my life.  And it’s my 3 kids.”

Mama Lai's Celebrity Crush

Mama Lai has a not-so-secret crush on Michael Weatherly of “NCIS” and “Dark Angel”.  One day, as she was browsing through the Redbox at her local supermarket, his face on screen for a movie called the “The Hitmen Diaries”.  Alas, the movie was checked out. 

“He’s so handsome.  Very cute.  Your dad doesn’t like his mischievous look, but I like.”

So since Saturday, Mama Lai has been hitting up the Redbox and other video kiosks all over town.  She’s been to three grocery stores, and the local Walmart and has been making trips to 6 kiosks every day for the last week.  She later found out you can make reservations for the movies on Redbox online.  But they need your credit card.

“I think he is very popular.  But I have to draw the line somewhere.  He’s cute, but not that cute.”

"How about renting from Blockbuster?"

“And pay $5.00?  That’s not worth it.  I can see him for free every week on TV!”