"You already lucky to be so tall! But now you are too tall. Men don't like tall girls."I try to counter with an argument laced with some feminism in the form of "I do it for me because I like it and I think it looks good". Mama Lai dismisses it as misdirected vanity:
"You do not walk around with a mirror to see yourself. When men see you in heels they don't think you look good, they will just think you look tall."
“I don’t get you young people’s taste. His head is square. How can he be handsome?”
"Don't worry. You set yourself a standard where you challenge yourself to be good, to be better. And when you achieve it, that's really what is truly beautiful."
"I'm old ok? Old habits are hard to break and you can't teach an old man new tricks."
"Keep moving forward with more weight loss! Let's make him a good one!"
"How about Kansas?"The room went silent. Why Kansas?
"I heard that Martina has a ranch there."Well burst out in laughter causing Papa Lai to retire for the night. We have not yet made at trip to Kansas yet. But Mama Lai did take Papa Lai to see Martina McBride at a concert last year.
"All I'm saying is, you're already tall enough. And there is no reason for you to give yourself another disadvantage when it comes to men."(And this debate will continue to rage on... )
"You are not a Gemini. Maybe pseudo Gemini. You do not know how to flirt. You need flirting tutor. Hahahaha."
"Where were all the people? There was nobody for miles and miles. Just all this empty land. And then when we finally got to where civilization was, all I could think was how funny that it is that Americans live in dollhouses. One Taiwanese earthquake and those houses looked like they would fall flat with nothing left to stand on."
"You don't want to develop a reputation among males...as a buddy. Men don't marry buddies. They just stay buddies."
"Hahahaha. That means I must've eaten them all. Ok, I split half."
"How come there's no photo of me on your wall?"Mama Lai wrote:
"Hahaha...your daddy is so silly. We're not dead yet. Who puts up photos of their parents when they are not dead?"Then Papa Lai came up with an even better idea:
"How about a photo of Martina McBride??"Mama Lai replied:
"See? Men are so selfish. They think what they like everyone likes. I think you should put up a picture of a nice duck on your wall."Papa Lai, not to be out of done, sends us a YouTube video of Martina McBride on Sesame Street, singing with Elmo.
"You like Elmo? He once sang a duet with Martina. How about a picture of Elmo on your wall?"And never once did Duckie mention that she thought she was missing anything on her wall or needed suggestions for decorating. :)
"You know, one of my regrets is never dressing you up as a girl when you were young and letting you wear boy's clothes and cutting your hair short like a boy. I don't know how to say it exactly, but I think you would have benefited. Your sister is different, she knows how to make herself up and be pretty, but aiyah...but you just lack that sense."And then Mama Lai turned my head towards her and cupped my face and said to me:
"But just because I say that doesn't mean you can blame me. You're an adult and you can take responsibility. It's not too late. You can still be pretty."
"You are out here all by yourself. [Matchmaker] knows very respectable families with eligible sons. How else will you meet an educated Chinese American boy who is taller than you? You need help."I was eventually matched with a 6 foot tall Chinese American dentist in Southern California who liked to race remote control cars. I'm not sure what happened to him, but I wish him all the best.
"Certainly. When you were born there were so many other Asian families at the hospital having babies. It was Asian baby season. And you know...all babies kind of look the same and you have to give credit to the nurses for keeping track. Hahahaha...maybe you aren't mine, but you're an adult now, it's kind of too late isn't it?"And as she marinated on this idea that her children might not be her own, she confirmed that my sister Duckie was certainly a 'Lai':
"There was only one other mother in the hospital having a baby when your sister was born. And she was white and she had a son she named 'Rocky'".
"I was not an American mother. But I was not a Chinese mother either. I was a middle of the two, confused mother. You know I'm very good at taking classes, but they don't have classes on being a mother. I looked at my own parents and their coldness and conservatism and I did not want to be like them. But I look at American mother and think it's cool, but not right. You have kids and there are no guidebooks, but I'm ok with how you three turned out. Could have been worse, but could have been better."
"He's busy with his lover." (Chinese)My eyes grew large until I heard Papa Lai's voice drifting through the house singing along to YouTube videos of his beloved country singer, Martina McBride.
"He's been doing that for hours. Go tell him it's time for dinner. He needs to give her a break."
"Look around -- how easy would it be for terrorists to bring this country down. Sometimes I look around and I think terrorists these days must be really stupid if they haven't figured out how to kill or injure us. It's a good thing Chinese people have not taken to terrorism against this country, because if they did, they would do it so well we would have no country left."
"What? Me? If I go, then no one would go!"
"Let's be honest. The majority of men are not much to look at. And they would all be depressed because there's not much they can do to make themselves look better. They can't put on lipstick or powder themselves. God was being fair to men. He gave them the unique ability to ignore their shortcomings so when they look in the mirror they can be happy."
"You were the worst of my 3 children. I had to wait 10 days for you. And then when the pain started, your father was on the graveyard shift and wanted to take a shower before he would take me to the hospital. And then I waited all day for you and the pain was unbearable. My eyeballs were rolling into the back of my head. I tell you it is a pain that you have never felt in your life. And then they give you a pain drug which causes your head to feel like it's going to explode. And then they tell me that you're not in the right position to come out...."And at some point she gets to a part where she fainted and how I wouldn't stop crying when I was finally brought into the world, how weeks after she felt sick, and how for months she barely knew what sunshine looked like trapped in a zombie-like sleeplessness. And then she will always end with a scathing review of natural birth:
"Stupid American propaganda about the benefits of natural childbirth. It was so trendy to do your birth like the old days because it was less trauma for the baby. How about my trauma? My body was never the same and they have you do those stupid exercises -- 'elevator up, elevator down' as if that really helps."
[Note: please look up Kegel if you're confused about the exercises.]And after she horrifies her captive audience on how my natural birth compromised her body, she will turn to me and sweetly say:
"See, this is how much a mother loves her child. We go through that pain and we still torture ourselves for you. We human beings are so weird. I can't wait for you to see what that feels like. "
"How will your brother find a wife? What girl will he find that will want to marry into this family once he finds out he has two very weird sisters?!"And Duckie and I made peace right away at the sobering and somewhat comforting thought that Mama Lai may have given up on the possibility of us finding husbands and turned her focus on our youngest. Good luck Little Prince!
"Why not? I drove to the store in my car, bought the papaya with my money, cut the papaya in my kitchen, in my house -- of course I don't share. It's my papaya. You want to eat? There's the kitchen and the knife. Go cut your own my lazy girl."
